


Life During Wartime

by Octo8



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Child Soldiers, Multi, Polyamory, Putting the "3" into "Tokyo-3", Whirlwind Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 13:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11555757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octo8/pseuds/Octo8
Summary: Canon sidestory to Neon Metathesis Evangelion, featuring Kaworu/Mana/Kensuke as a secondary triad romance. Written by NME reader Alex, posted under my account with his permission.





	1. Chapter 1

_This chapter is set parallel NME chapter 30, starting the pilots’ ride back from the synch-test._

 

* * *

 

Kensuke sat on the leather couch in the dimly lit living room of his family’s house and was completely oblivious to the sounds of the cheap drive-thru movie currently blanketing the room in a warm sepia glow. Normally, he would be enraptured by the thrilling adventures of Zap Gordon and the Space Pirates but then normally, he was alone. Currently, he was joined by the cheerful Mana Kirishima and the enigmatic Kaworu Nagisa, the latter of which was currently kissing him. Kensuke flushed and did his best to kiss the gray-haired pilot back, thinking for a moment about how he had gotten here. It had started a couple of hours earlier after he had been caught at the arcade…up.

 

* * *

  
A large, very angry man was hauling Kensuke by the scruff of the boy’s shirt through the back entrance. "We warned you before, buddy – you cheat, you get banned,” the man threatened as he shoved the schoolboy into the alley behind the store.  
  
Kensuke was indignant. "I wasn't cheating! I was using an exploit that's built in. Don't blame me if the game creators were too lazy to test their own product."  
  
The man was having none of it. "Save it, kid! I don't want to see you around here again and before you say anything – no, I don't care who your friend is the son of."  
  
Kensuke was mortified. "But I come here all the time! Can't you give me another chance?"  
  
The man stood up to his full height, towering over the boy. "You’re just lucky I don't teach you a lesson for trying to steal from me! Back in my day they would have needed to carry you away in a wheelbarrow after such an incident!”  
  
Kensuke’s face whitened. "Please! Don't! Just let me go, I..."  
  
His pleas were interrupted by a set of voices. "Kensuke, is that you?" one asked. Kensuke turned to see two of his classmates, Mana Kirishima and the new pilot, Kaworu Nagisa, looking down the alley.  
  
Seeing a opportunity, Kensuke backed away from the man in front of him and towards them. "There you are, guys! Been looking all over for you. You two back from NERV already?" The two looked slightly confused but to Kensuke’s great relief did not say anything. The boy addressed the arcade employee again. "These are my friends from NERV. This guy..." He pointed to Kaworu. "...is a pilot. I meant to leave earlier to meet up with them."  
  
The owner sighed. He wanted no trouble with NERV, especially with all the pull they had recently acquired after all those monster fights. “Alright, just don't let me catching you doing it again, kid."  
  
Kensuke smiled and led the two away. "Don't worry, you won't."  
  
When they were half a block away, Mana asked him, "Who was that man, Kensuke?" Her usual cheerful tone now sounded subdued.  
  
"There is a nice burger place near here,” Kaworu answered her. “I will explain all about it there."  
  
The two just followed the boy, their own plans for a tour now hijacked. At the restaurant, Kensuke outlined the situation over an order of fries. Kaworu looked at him curiously as he idly dipped a salted fry into some ketchup.  
  
"If you knew the owner might get angry why did you attempt it?" he asked.  
  
Kensuke sighed. "They have a mint condition Zap Gordon ray gun in the showcase. I have been saving up tickets for a while now but the guy is asking for so much. I guess I just wanted to skip the wait." Kensuke was dejected "Now I will never get it."  
  
Kaworu smiled at Kensuke which brought a curious warmth to his cheeks. "We can talk to after he has calmed down. I am sure we can get you back in his good graces then. People can be very forgiving when they want to be."  
  
"Zap Gordon?" Mana asked "You mean like those old science fiction movies?"  
  
Kensuke perked up "You know him?" Very few people he knew shared his interests so he relished the chance to talk about them with others.  
  
Mana nodded "My... err... uncle is a fan of them. He showed some of them to me.” She smiled. “They are pretty cheesy but fun."  
  
Kaworu looked interested "These are movies, I presume?"  
  
Kensuke smiled wide. "Only the best sci-fi adventure serials of the sixties! Zap Gordon and the Robots Tomb is one of humanity's finest works." Kensuke was only half sarcastic  
  
That made Kaworu perk up. "If that's the case, I will need to see these movies for myself."  
  
Mana looked at the two. "I have only seen a couple. There are a lot right?"  
  
Kensuke beamed with pride. "Nine, in fact. I have them all at home, if you wanna watch sometime?"  
  
Kensuke was unsure why he was so eager, but perhaps he was just lonely. These days, Touji always seemed to be busy with EVA stuff, and when he wasn't, he was spending more and more time with Hikari. Not that Kensuke could blame him – Hikari was a nice girl and he knew he would probably do the same if a girl showed interest in him... or a boy for that matter, as Kensuke was slowly getting used to. Still, sometimes he just wished he had someone to play video games, hang out and watch old movies with. Maybe he saw an opportunity for that with these two.  
  
Kaworu smiled "I would love to." He turned to Mana "Would you like to indulge with us?"  
  
Mana nodded, her cheerful complexion shining like a beacon. "Sounds great! When were you thinking?"  
  
Kensuke scratched the back of his head "Well, actually, I was planning on spending the afternoon at the arcade but now... It seems I’m all free so if you’d like I can show them to you today."  
  
Mana seemed concerned. "You sure that would be okay? I don't want to intrude. Would your parents be okay with last minute visitors?"  
  
Kensuke waved a hand. "It's okay. My dad usually works really late at the office and besides, he’s always encouraging me to meet new people."  
  
Mana and Kawrou looked at each other and then to Kensuke. The gray-haired boy spoke first. "If Mana would like to, I would be interested in seeing these films. We can always tour the city another day."  
  
Mana nodded. "I’d like that a lot, it's good to enjoy things while you can."  
  
Thus, after the three finished the plate of fries, they left and took a train to one of the richer neighbourhoods of Tokyo-3. On the way, the conversation shifted towards Kaworu's position as a pilot. It was a topic both Mana and Kensuke seemed to be able to inquire about endlessly. Unfortunately, for every straight answer Kaworu gave, he also gave three meandering, mysterious replies, sounding enigmatic and mystical in the process. Kensuke would have been more frustrated by Kaworu's lack of straightforwardness if it weren’t for the boy’s light, serene attitude. Somehow, it seemed to put Kensuke at ease.  
  
Eventually, they arrived at Kensuke's place. His family owned a tall well-kept house in a well-off area. A thick fence separated the walkway from the yard.  
  
Mana looked amazed. "This is a nice place, Kensuke."  
  
Kensuke felt a little awkward "Yeah, my dad is an important guy." _At least that's what he always tells_ _me_. His father wasn't a bad guy, he was just always busy with work. More often than not he would come home late at night and head to bed without a word.  
  
Kensuke showed them inside. He let them admire the place a bit before showing them his pride and joy - a glass cabinet In the living room that contained his prized model collection. Various tanks ships and airplanes from all over the world and period had been delicately painted and posed on the shelfs. The two seemed quite impressed. Mana seemed surprisingly knowledgeable about the types of military hardware, while Kaworu, on the other hand, enjoyed them from an aesthetic perspective, admiring the subtle paint work Kensuke had done.  
  
After some internal debate on which movie was the best to start with. Kensuke made some popcorn, got some drinks and put on ‘Zap Gordon and the Laser Racers’. The title crawl had just started when all three sat down on the couch in front of the TV. Kensuke realized now how small that furniture was. This had never been a problem when it was just Kensuke and Touji using it for their video game sessions, but now, with three people on it, there really was little space between them. Neither Kaworu nor Mana seemed to mind, though. They sat around Kensuke and looked intently at the screen. The bespectacled boy flushed a bit, being thoroughly unused to this level of closeness.  
  
Both Kaworu and Mana seemed to enjoy the adventure movie quite a bit. By the end they were basically on the edge of their seats, watching intensely as Zap fought the space gangster Zodo Plat, laser foil in hand. The movie was not long; barely an hour had passed when it finished. Thus, Kensuke simply put the next one on. This one featured Zap exploring a harsh desert planet or at least a back lot of a Californian desert. Gallantly, Zap rescued the princess Sharnia from the clutches of the evil lord Caliban. Kensuke blushed as he realized what was coming now. As soon as they were free from the dark space fortress and back on Zap’s ship, Zap and Sharnia embraced as lovers in all the glory of sixties celluloid. Kensuke looked over at Mana who looked… pink to say the least.  
  
"Wow..." The girl was flushed "What a kiss."  
  
Kaworu spoke up, curiosity in his voice, but also something else, something Kensuke could not explain. "Would you like me to kiss you like that, Mana?"  
  
Kensuke jaw dropped. Was he insane? _Who just asks a girl that?_ Kaworu seemed like a nice guy but there was no way Mana would ever...  
  
"I… err, okay… I mean if you want, Kaworu." Mana was blushing heavily.  
  
Kensuke was even more shocked now, and a little disappointed. When he had run into them earlier had that been a date? Kensuke felt like a third wheel now. _Well, there goes movie time,_ he thought as Kaworu moved in front of Mana, leaning down and knocking over an empty can of soda.  
  
"Close your eyes and lean in," Kaworu said softly. A pale hand brushed her face. Mana did so and the two kissed. It was not an old lover’s kiss or one of deep longing; it was a soft, gentle thing full of life and hope. Kensuke felt guilty watching them but could not turn away. Mana seemed to shudder beneath the touch, kissing back eagerly. After what seemed like an eternity to Kensuke the two broke off the kiss and looked at each other.  
  
"That was..." Mana trailed off seemingly out of breath, "wonderful, Kaworu."  
  
Kaworu, for his part, seemed to be just as happy, his pale cheeks flushed. "It was lovely for me as well." As if sensing Kensuke's gaze, he turned to the boy "I am sorry for interrupting the movie, Kensuke. If you want we can continue."  
  
"Oh no, it's okay." Kensuke forced a laugh, unsure how to respond. "I see you two are having fun."  
  
Kaworu looked at the boy and gave an odd smile "I am sorry, I was rude not to offer. Would you like a kiss as well?"  
  
Kensuke froze. Mentally he prepared a dozen ways to say no as politely as possible. He would be lying if he said he was not interested, but surely Kaworu was joking and even if the grey-haired boy wasn't, he could not imagine how Mana would react. Mouth agape he glanced over at Mana. He expected a furious look, but instead, she was smiling. More than anything else, she seemed to be intrigued by the prospect.  
  
"I… I… I… ah… sure," Kensuke squeaked  
  
Kensuke watched with anticipation as Kaworu returned to his seat beside him. All thoughts of space pirates and laser guns were thrown from his mind. His heart began to race as the pale haired boy inched closer and closer until they were centimetres apart. He could feel a twisting knot in his stomach as he felt Kaworu’s breath on his cheek.  
  
" _Oh no, Lord Caliban sent his killborgs after us. Zap, what are we gonna do_?" the TV continued to play unbidden.  
  
Unsure what to do, Kensuke took the initiative. His mouth darted forwards and met Kaworu’s. It tasted like Fresca and salted popcorn. Kensuke felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest as he sensed a hand running through his hair. After what felt like far too soon Kaworu broke the kiss. Kensuke was going to ask why when he looked up to see there was someone waiting. Mana was standing behind him red as a beet.  
  
Almost in a whisper, the girl spoke up. "My turn next?" She seemed excited, but nervous. "You know, those glasses made you look pretty cute."  
  
Kensuke smiled. He had not planned for his day to go this way, but he was certainly not complaining. "Let's pause the movie first. Zap can wait."


	2. Chapter 2

_This chapter, like the previous one, is set parallel to NME chapter 30._

 

* * *

 

Inside his designated apartment at the edge of town, Kaworu rested. Due to his Fruit of Life, he had long since moved past the need for sleep, but he did enjoy taking some time to relax and organize his thoughts. Tonight, though, that was something he had significant difficulty doing. His day with Mana and Kensuke had been, he admitted to himself, fun. It was enjoyable to pretend at least for a moment that he was a normal boy. To enjoy himself, to bring joy and to feel it in himself. Kaworu thought of them again, how they had tasted and how they had felt in his arms.  
  
The problem was that Kaworu _wasn't_ normal. Especially here in Tokyo-3 he could feel that fact. As he lay on his bed, he could feel his objective pulse deep below him – Adam. And today's events had left him confused. SEELE had always told him that humanity was incomplete and a dead end, that all people secretly wanted oblivion and destruction. SEELE claimed that thus they would be freed from pain and strife. With the members of that organization, that had seemed true, but since arriving in Tokyo-3 Kaworu had met many new people and within them Kaworu had felt something else, something he did not expect. There was a pain there, and a loneliness that came from the separation of the self but there was also a hope, a powerful drive to improve and to heal, to overcome the barriers that separated their selves from others.  
  
That was what he saw in Mana's heart and that was what he saw in Kensuke's heart. Kaworu thought of Heck, the man he had killed. _Let those who wish for death be the first to go._ That was what Kaworu had thought… but didn’t that in turn mean that those who clung to life should be the last to fall? Or not fall at all? Kaworu was full of questions. Only one thing was certain - he was not going to find any answers to them soon.  
  


* * *

  
Mana tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position, but to no avail. The mattress in her room felt like it was made of ice and all her blankets felt like they would come to life and strangle her. The events of the day played in a loop in her mind. What was that kiss? Those tender touches? Kensuke's cute little motions and sighs? It was unlike anything she had ever felt, better than the time she had asked Musashi to kiss her, better than Shinji.  
  
 Shinji… thinking of him made Mana feel guilty inside. Hopefully, he would forgive her for what she had to do. Eventually, she gave up and got out of bed; maybe a glass of water would help her settle her nerves. Slowly, so as to not wake up her Captain sleeping in the next room, Mana crept to the kitchen. It had been hard to explain her actions to him and for the first time in a while she had not been completely honest with a superior officer.  
  
 The Captain was a hard man. Not cruel, but demanding, and always expected total obedience. _Couldn't he let_ _me_ _have fun for once?_ She liked Kaworu – he was warm and kind, if a bit odd and Kensuke was funny and cute in a geeky way. Was it too much to ask for some reprieve? Mana felt guilty when she had these thoughts. She had a duty to do, after all. She retrieved a glass from the cupboard and ran the water, letting it get cold before filling her glass. She took a long drink and smiled. Maybe she could do both, maybe she could enjoy herself and do her mission. After all, what would be the harm in that?  
  


* * *

  
Cicadas buzzed incessantly as Kaworu Nagisa walked the winding trail in the woods. A light breeze whispered through the trees around him, chilling his skin and forming goosebumps along his nape. Or perhaps it was nervousness about the task ahead of him which did that. When he was far enough in the forest to mke sure he would not be overseen, Kaworu broke from the path and made his way to a clearing. This all was mostly for show of course. He could have spoken to SEELE in private from his quarters, but this way gave him an excuse to enjoy a bit of nature. He sat down on a soft patch of grass and took in his surroundings. It was a nice, sunny day, like it always was here. Soft light filtered through the leaves above him and shrouded everything in warmth. In the distance he could hear a pair of birds serenading one another.  
  
_All creatures desire companionship,_ _at least temporarily_. _They feel the need to define themselves through others_. Kaworu let the words roll around in his mind, thinking of his two new companions. _Am I really so different_? There was a time when he had thought so, when the only people in his life had been his handlers, observers, tutors and servants. That had made it easy to think that way, to see himself as different as… set apart. But now? He was a pilot and a student. He spent his lunches and what time he could outside school with his new friends. He spent time with his fellow pilots as well, participating in synch-tests and training. He was part of something; he had a connection to other people he had never felt before.  
  
Trying not to let that distract him, he activated the device in his pocket and waited. Sure enough, it did its work and fifteen black monoliths appeared around him, each with only a red number carved into its surface to differentiate them. Kaworu, used to these appearances, suspected it was because it made them feel powerful and in control. In truth, they were anything but. While they had their own plans, the only reason he was here right now was because of their arrogance.  
  
The monolith marked ‘01’ spoke in German; the voice emitted was cold but familiar. Lorenz Kiel. The man had been Kaworu's teacher of sorts when he was young. He was the one who had told him of his nature, and of his duty. He had told him of the truth of mankind, that they were broken and failing and that it was better for them to have a glorious end than to drag out their suffering.  
  
Kiel addressed the angel. "You were instructed to contact us earlier, Tabris."  
  
Kaworu spoke up, trying to sound convincing. "The last few days have been hectic. I was unable to make contact without alerting anyone." A lie, but a believable one. In truth, Kaworu had had several moments that he could have made the connection but had chosen not to. He had been putting this off, unsure as to how to respond.  
  
A different voice spoke up, this one from monolith 08. His voice was sharp and critical, sounding as if dressing down a petulant child. "Were your quarters not satisfactory?"  
  
Kaworu had prepared for the question. "I feared that the Commander had placed recording devices on the premises." Another lie, but one that he knew would feed into their existing fears. Kaworu knew the council did not trust Commander Ikari but were forced to use him. Kaworu had witnessed much debate as to what to do with the man, ranging from assassination over blackmail to bribery. Kiel disliked Ikari greatly, but the Commander seemed to have a protector on the council, and even the chairman had to make concessions now and then. However, this fragile balance of power could be easily tipped if Ikari could be shown to have acted against the council.  
  
The third monolith lit up. Its voice was slow and deliberate. Kaworu suspected that the speaker had trouble speaking German. "Would he do that? Would Ikari dare to defy us in such a manner?" The question floated for a moment.  
  
Monolith 12 was the next to speak. There was a harsh digitization of the sound that grated on the ears. Clearly, whatever the speaker's identity, they were using a translation or voice scrambling program of some kind. "The Commander grows bolder. His refusal to send us the First Child makes it clear how contrary his agenda is to ours.”  
  
Kiel spoke up again. Like always, there was a definite authority to his voice. Like a preacher, he explained, "It matters not. The deliverance of man is at hand. Soon all will be as it should."  
  
Kaworu furrowed his brows. _They take me for granted._ They were so sure about what he would do – like he was just some beast they had set loose, a beast that now free would surely sink its teeth into the flesh of mankind. The arrogance of that assumption rankled him.  
  
"And with the retrieval of EVA-04 all available weapons of man have been gathered,” 08 agreed with Kiel. “Not even Ikari can stop what is to come! We march towards providence. The moons shall rise once more and all shall end."  
  
03 returned the focus to Kaworu "That is your duty, Tabris. To be the harbinger of finality, to follow our orders and designs. You would do well to remember who ensured your creation." There was a sickening smugness to the comment as if Kaworu was simply another asset to be used at will.  
  
Kaworu grit his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt "A single wingbeat of a butterfly may create a hurricane, but that does not give it ownership of it." The council was silent, so Kaworu continued "Never forget who I am. I follow your plans because I choose to, not out of loyalty or duty." He turned to the third monolith. "You would do well to remember it."  
  
Without answering him, one by one, the monoliths darkened, then disappeared, until only Kiel's remained. Kiel spoke in a voice Kaworu had long ago identified as a forced calm over fear. "Do not let your pride interfere with your purpose, Tabris. You swore you would help the human race as only you could."  
  
Kaworu remembered that night long ago. It forever burned at the back of his memory. Kiel had come to him and told him his destiny and made him swear to help them.  
  
The strength in Kiel's voice returned, bolstered by the raw power of his faith. "The end neareth, the scrolls speak of your kin that are to come: Of eyes and wings and a great destroyer. You are our champion Tabris and our hope, may we all embrace sweet death at last."  
  
Kaworu was about to answer, but the monolith faded before he could speak, leaving him feeling empty and alone. He looked around the peace he felt from this setting now long absent. His heart hurt and his head spun. A feeling of helplessness overcame him. _The scrolls speak, and it will pass. Maybe I am just that beast they see in me?_  
  
He looked in front of him. A tall red pine stood there, its branches leaving a great shadow on the ground beneath it. In a fit of rage, Kaworu lashed out, extending his AT field like a spear and shattering the base of the tree like glass. Shards of wood and bark flew in all directions. With a mighty crash, the tree fell over, crashing several other trees in its shadow. Kaworu felt utter disgust at himself. _All I ever do is destroy_...  
  


* * *

  
Mana was prepared when the Howa kicked into her shoulder as she let off a controlled burst into her target a dozen meters down range. Even with the earmuffs, she could still feel the harsh cracks and bright flashes of the rifle ringing in her skull. Mana was a good shot. She had better be at this point, given all the time and resources the handlers had spent training and preparing her.  
  
It had been easier to think about it before she had been sent to Tokyo-3. It had all seemed so simple back then. NERV and their machines had been a monolith to her. But now? She admitted that Shinji Ikari was not half the person she had expected going in. The JSSDF had given her an extensive dossier on him to study, but given that he had killed two angels solo-handedly she had expected a bold ace pilot. Instead, the dossier had proven largely correct: Shinji was a meek and somewhat shy boy, who if anything seemed to be far over his head.  
  
Mana pressed the buzzer on the side of the cage, letting her observers know she was done..

 

* * *

  
Kensuke woke up the next morning to warm morning rays hitting his face from his window, feeling refreshed and renewed. He had slept like a log, his dreams a wondrous blur of red and gray. With some disappointment, he forced himself out of bed, the events of the night before playing on repeat in his brain. A feeling of worry welled in his stomach. Kaworu and Mana had been all smiles and hugs until the end but both of them hadleft quite suddenly in the end. Both had explained that with responsibilities they had. Mana also had told how her Uncle would worry if she stayed much longer, while Kaworu had mentioned something about duties. As Kensuke made himself some breakfast, still groggy from his recent stupor, he pondered his schedule for the day. He had always been one of those outcast people who never visited any of the school clubs. Normally, a full afternoon with his hobbies followed by a rushed attempt at studying was all he could ask for, but compared to yesterday that suddenly did not measure up.  
  
As he munched on his cereal in silence he mentally kicked himself for not having asked or given any phone numbers. Though on second thought, maybe that had been for best; he did not want to seem desperate or needy. He was unsure what do next, honestly; they had all seemed happy when they had left but that could have been an act. Mana and Kensuke seemed to have enjoyed their kisses but maybe they had just been caught in the moment?  
  
Kensuke sighed. Why did he always do this? Shooting down his own hopes before they even had a chance to manifest. On some level, he knew it was a self-esteem thing, that part of him felt he did not deserve what had happened, so he mentally wrote the endeavour off as lost. And it was hard to mount a case against that, if he was honest. Compared to the two of them what was he? They were both so sweet and kind and, he could admit, quite gorgeous – the way their hair looked in the glow of the screen had been.... On careful consideration, Kensuke thought perhaps the first order of business for today was a cold shower..

 

* * *

  
Mana sighed, drinking from her water bottle as she leaned against the arms shed. What the hell was she doing? All day, her mind kept wandering back to the three of them and the day before. It had all happened suddenly and yet... Mana could not say she did not enjoy the experience, nor could she muster much indignation at the thought of sharing. Perhaps she was just desperate; after this cold life, maybe she would take anything. A familiar feeling ran up her spine like an electric shock, a feeling of rejection and of loneliness. _No_ , _I am more, I can be more!_ She repeated it to herself like a prayer, trying hard to convince herself.  
  
"You alright, Mana?" Mana looked up to see the speaker, TRIDENT pilot and close friend, Keita Asari staring at her. He had to have come straight from the simulator because he was still wearing his neural interface suit. He did not seem well himself: he looked ragged, with a forlorn expression and what seemed to be large bags under his eyes.  
  
"Oh, I'm okay, just thinking." She did not want to worry him, and besides, who was she to complain when her comrades had it so much worse? "What has it been like here while I was away?"  
  
Keita sighed. "The eggheads seemed to have received some new data because they have been running us like horses these past few days." He sat on the ground next to Mana "Something big is coming, Mana. All the higher ups seem to be on edge."  
  
Mana looked at him. "You're getting the headaches again, right?" She knew the answer, but did not want to impose. So much of life here was about what you created for yourself and for some that meant pretending.  
  
Keita took Mana's water and took a long draft "Yeah, and the shakes sometimes, too." He pointed to the back of his neck "These things itch sometimes, you know? Just don't tell Musashi I said that, okay? You know how he gets."  
  
Mana nodded. Musashi was a fortress; he dealt with the stress by refusing to recognize it, simply pushing through regardless. He was strong, with a hard mind and personality. He would always say that whining never solved anything. There had been a time when Mana had admired him for this, his cold, uncompromising exterior unaffected and resilient. But the thing that gave him strength also made him... untouchable and unknowable.  
  
"How goes your mission?" Keita asked, curious.  
  
"It's... challenging, sometimes," Mana said. And that was underselling things. She did not want to burden Keita with even more stuff to worry about. At least she was able to get out of the barracks, to at least pretend to have a normal life. She still hated what her mission demanded of her, though, hated what her 'training' had done to her. "Things can get... complicated." Kaworu and Kensuke kisses passed into her mind, making her force down a blush. "But it's not all bad.".

 

* * *

  
Kensuke ran through the list of things he could do. There was nothing good on TV and he was too distracted. There was always homework to do but the day he did school work out of boredom was the day something seriously wrong had happened. He had a new model to put together and paint: The EAS-13 CA (Cosmo Armour) "Valiance", a limited edition model with lots of weapons and customization options. He had been so excited when he had got it but if Kensuke was honest, his interest on that front was draining. After learning what had happened to Touji and EVA-03 the mystique of being the chosen elite and that of their amazing machines was fading.  
  
He remembered the days after the battle when Touji had come to him for support and to share his story of what it was like. Kensuke could only try to be sympathetic as the boy spilled his guts, crying as he explained about his sister and how NERV had shown up and offered him a job. Seeing him like that was difficult for Kensuke. Touji had always seemed strong and brave to him if a bit foolhardy. Seeing him so hurt and upset was painful, as if all at once the weight of what being a pilot really meant was thrown on him.  
  
Feeling his willpower erode and desiring a distraction, Kensuke picked up his phone. Kaworu was a pilot, right? Maybe Shinji knew his number. And Mana? Well, when she had first shown up, she seemed attached to Shinji at the hip so it was possible he had hers as well. Whatever had happened between the two now seemed dead, however, as Shinji barely seemed to acknowledge the girl, surrounding himself instead with his fellow pilots Ayanami and Soryu.  
  
Like with Touji's budding relationship with Hikari, Kensuke had mixed feelings about that. After checking his contacts, Kensuke punched in the number, sweating a bit as the line rang. After a moment someone picked up and Kensuke heard the familiar voice of his friend.  
  
"Hello, Kensuke would you mind holding for a second? I am cooking so I'll put you on speaker." Shinji seemed happy. Kensuke was glad about that; the boy deserved some peace. He remembered when he had found him in that field one day, lost and alone. He remembered sharing some of his rations and talking about his mother. He remembered in the morning after when they had been surrounded by Section 2 agents, their cold, impersonal gaze looking right through him. Kensuke heard a beep and suddenly a wide variety of sounds and voices spoke to him: The sizzling of a wok, the background sound of a TV and crabby complaints from Soryu. Kensuke wondered what she was doing with Shinji but then mentally racked it up to pilot stuff.  
  
"What do you want, stooge?" Soryu was harsh. She had never completely forgiven him for the incident with the photos.  
  
Kensuke knew better than to engage, lest he receive a tongue lashing over the phone and turn up empty handed. "I was wondering if you knew Nagisa’s or Kirishima's phone numbers."  
  
"The weirdo and that hussy? Why would you want to talk to them?" Soryu asked indignantly. Kensuke was somewhat offended by the comment. Who was she to judge Mana? She didn't know anything about her, and even if she did – if Mana was okay with what had happened yesterday then that was all that mattered. And Kaworu... Well, Kensuke had to admit he was a bit strange but there was no need for Soryu to be rude. He was about to respond when Shinji did it for him.  
  
"Asuka, please, be nice. I'm sorry Kensuke, we haven’t known Kaworu all that long. And Mana..." He paused for a moment, as if thinking of something "Mana and I haven’t talked much in a while, honestly."  
  
Kensuke was a bit downtrodden by the news "Oh, it's okay." He tried to force a cheery voice.  
  
Asuka spoke up, this time more curious than angry. "Why did you wanna talk to those two anyway?"  
  
"I saw them downtown yesterday," Kensuke explained. "I just wanted to say hi." There. That wasn't a lie, just not the full of the truth.  
  
"Hmm, in that case, you can see them tomorrow at school then," Asuka said mildly.  
  
Shinji cut in "Listen, Kensuke, you mind if we talk later? The vegetables are almost burning and I need to give them my full attention."  
  
Kensuke nodded "Of course. You two enjoy your dinner. And say hello to Misato for me." A click signalled the end of the call. Kensuke sighed. Defeated, he headed for his room. The universe was telling him to do his homework and he had too much to lose to say no.

 

* * *

  
Kaworu walked from the bus station to his plain apartment, the sun setting on his back, and observed the people heading home from their jobs. Kaworu found them fascinating. Some were happy to head home, while others seemed disappointed and resigned to the end of the day, but within all of them, there seemed a collective sense of purpose. Kaworu could appreciate the beauty in that.  
  
A few blocks from his new residence, something gave him pause as he passed a particularly filthy alley. He heard something, a mewling. Upon further inspection, Kaworu found a small white tabby with an injured paw crying to itself. He looked at the poor creature. It was little more than skin and bone, its hair matted with dirt and grime. Kaworu knew what he had to do. If he left the creature alone, it would surely starve or grow sick. Whatever happened, a slow painful death awaited the beast. _It would be a mercy to end it now,_ he thought Kiel's teachings echoing in his head. With a quick motion, he grabbed the cat and with put a hand around its throat… and then… hesitated. Images of Kensuke and Mana flashed through his mind. He looked down at the kitten.  
  
Maybe it was because he was just so tired of destruction. All things died. Kaworu knew even beings like him would meet their fate eventually, either by sword, or by accident, or by simple entropy. But that did not mean that it had to be today. There was a beauty, Kaworu decided, in the struggle and in the hope of what may be. Kaworu held the cat in his arms and walked home, the last rays of the sun casting long shadows. Perhaps the animal was doomed. Perhaps these people were as well, but he would feel them first; he would enjoy them for as long as he could.


	3. Chapter 3

_This chapter is set parallel to NME chapter 31._

 

* * *

 

The impossible had happened: It was Monday morning and Kensuke had a reason to be at school early. After failing to communicate with Kaworu and Mana the day before, Kensuke was desperate for some sign as to the mood between the three of them. Reluctantly, he climbed out of bed. Between the stress from the Kaworu and Mana situation and all the hot buzz on his military forums around Matsushiro, he had gotten little sleep.  
  
His mind wandered to the news and whispers. NERV had never been one for open communication, but this seemed different. In the last two weeks, trucks and planes had been pouring into the Matsushiro facility, without even a word of justification to the public. Speculation had run rampant as to its purpose, and while Kensuke had enough knowledge to spot the crazy ideas – _Combining EVAs… what_ _is_ _this, sentai?_ –  there was plenty of room for guessing. He tried to have fun with this like he usually did. The night it was announced EVA-02 was coming to Japan, Kensuke had been glued to his laptop for eight hours straight, pouring over every last scrap released to the public. This time… he knew Matsushiro was the facility where EVA-03 was prepared. That disaster still clung to his mind. So while he tried to get excited, his overwhelming feeling was one of dread.  
  
Kensuke tried to put it out of his head; there was nothing that could be done either way. All he could do now was to try and support the pilots. That was something that became more important now more than ever, if what Touji had said about Doctor Akagi was true. He wondered if that was the norm for pilots, to be blackmailed and threatened if other methods failed. Kensuke thought of Kaworu; he was such a gentle person, so it was hard to believe that he was raised in the same conditions as Asuka, given their differences.  
  
A quick shower and some breakfast later, Kensuke was off to class. The warm orange morning light still blanketed the street. Kensuke tried to fight down thoughts of Mana and Kaworu. _Do they still want me?_ There was a terrible feeling in his chest, as if he was being dragged down by a great weight. _No,_ _there’_ _s_ _no point in worrying_. It would not change anything. He had learned that much when his mother had gotten sick. So after he had caught the bus, Kensuke just sat in the back and let the bumps and the pull of the vehicle ease his mind. _What will be will be.  
_  
When he finally entered the classroom, Kensuke saw he was the first student inside  – well, apart from Hikari, who seemed to live there. The two exchanged pleasantries, her asking him why he was so early and him asking her about her date with Touji. The comment made the girl turn scarlet. In truth, he was happy for them; with all the madness that was going on recently, he was glad his friend had found someone. _Maybe I found something myself,_ he thought, but Kensuke forced it down; he did not want to fan a hope only to be disappointed.  
  
He sat down at his usual place and began playing with his phone as the class slowly filled in. He waved hello to Shinji as he entered, flanked by his fellow pilots Ayanami and Soryu. Kensuke had noticed how those three had grown quite close in the last few weeks. And even if Soryu would deny it if asked, Kensuke could tell they deeply cared for each other. Once again this morning, his mind went to Kaworu. _Would he be like them?_ Distant to anyone who did not share his struggles? And what about Mana? Would she leave him for the cool and mysterious pilot?  
  
Eventually, the gray-haired boy arrived, followed close behind by Kirishima. He wanted to go talk to them immediately, to try to find out where they all stood, but behind them was the teacher who soon began the lesson. It was agony waiting through the morning. The class was already the exact opposite of gripping, what with his teacher’s slow pace, his habit to ramble and and his tendency to just ignore the students. But now, with all that was going on inside his head, he had a hard time focusing on _anything_. Kensuke barely reacted when during maths, Touji cracked a joke about Soryu's attitude, which earned him a scathing retort from the girl. When the clock ticked to twelve, releasing them all briefly to eat their lunches, Kensuke was burnt out, unsure if he had the courage to face them. So when Touji and Hikari asked if he wanted to eat with them, he did not say otherwise.

 

* * *

  
Kaworu woke to the gentle meowing of his new friend. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light, revealing a white ball of fluff had taken residence on his chest, whining softly and batting at his chin. Kaworu smiled at the affection and got up, placing the cat on the ground. It was a welcome distraction from the after images of his dreams. In his sleep, he had returned to the facility in Germany, to an endless series of cold rooms and empty halls, to a loneliness was almost tangible. It was different now, he told himself; even with his mission and purpose in his mind, he could still reach out. Mana and Kensuke had looked so happy with him and his new feline friend seemed delighted to see him. Perhaps he could bring some joy to these people before the end, if only to prove he could be more than an agent of destruction. Still, the sickening feeling in his stomach remained.  
  
After feeding his new kitten companion, Kaworu headed off for school. He smiled at the thought of seeing Mana and Kensuke again, though he was unsure as to what to expect: Lilim relationships were something he was still so inexperienced with. There seemed to be so many strange rules and unspoken taboos that ruled their lives. He was also unsure of himself. While done on a whim, his actions on Saturday had had a deep impact on him. Feelings he was not used to washed over him when he thought of their exchange.  
  
The walk to school was pleasant. He observed single students meet with friends and join together to form larger throngs. _Few out of many;_ _they feel themselves through others_. Kaworu could not help but listen to the conversations of his fellow students as they made their way to the building. Kaworu was comforted to learn that, even with all the chaos of the conflict around them, the topics of discussion were quite mundane. ‘Did you see what was on TV last night? Did you finish that assignment? Do you think that boy likes me?’ It was nice to see that even in times of chaos, life continued.  
  
Near the gates of the school, Kaworu noticed a black car pull up to the curb briefly. He smiled when he saw that it was his new friend Mana getting out of it. A strange feeling of warmth spread over him as he caught her attention.  
  
“Good morning, Mana. It seems like a nice day today.” He was unsure of how exactly to start, so he repeated what he had heard from others.  
  
“Oh hello, Kaworu, I didn't see you there.” Mana smiled brightly. “How was your Sunday?”   
  
“It was mixed,” Kaworu admitted, recalling his talk with SEELE. “I went for a nice walk in the woods. It was quite strange to see the results of a climate trapped in eternal summer. I imagine it must be like living in a painting.”  
  
Mana looked thoughtful. “I guess it's something you get used to over here. Do you like it?” She asked, curious.  
  
“I admit that while I think most of my countrymen would prefer for summer to last as long as possible, I always found some affinity to winter,” Kaworu answered wistfully.  
  
“Doesn't the cold bother you?” Mana asked.  
  
Kaworu became quite aware that his new friend had most likely never felt real cold, never felt the touch of frost, or the harsh sting of a chilling wind. It was a fate he felt somewhat responsible for. “Not particularly, and even if it did, I find the beauty that it brings more than worth the discomfort.” He stared longingly off into the distance, thinking of memories of the past. “I remember years ago waking up to find the year’s first snow fall. A heavy blanket had come and covered everything in the night. I will always remember what my teacher told me that day: that there is a simple peace to be found in silence, if one is open to listen for it, even more so than in music.”  
  
Mana looked at the boy in awe. So many questions seemed to fill her mind. After a moment, she settled on one. “Teacher? What about your parents?” And after that, “Music? You like music?”  
  
That made Kaworu think for a moment. “I am alone. NERV has always taken care of my needs and my schooling. But I have never had anyone... close.” There was a great sadness in his voice he did not intend. _Why am I telling her these things?_ It seemed there was something in Mana that invited confession. Kaworu felt slightly exposed. He turned his attention to the second question, as it was easier to answer. “I have spent much of my life wrapped in music. I discovered I had a passion for it at a young age and, if I may boast, a talent for it as well. My teachers encouraged this passion, believing that, through music, many other lessons could be learned. I am trained in the viola, the piano, and harpsichord. Though I admit I have had less practice recently than I would prefer”  
  
A look came over Mana, something that confused Kaworu. “That's amazing, you pilots are so talented! I’d love to hear you play sometime. I think Shinji mentioned he enjoys classical music; you should talk to him about it.” There was something off about the way she said it that made Kaworu feel uneasy, but he buried the feeling. “And well, for the other thing...” Mana half-smiled as she reached down and grasped his hand with hers, shocking Kaworu. “You don't have to be alone forever.”  
  
The action threw Kaworu off balance. He tried to think of something to say, but the words choked in his mouth. He just looked at her. There seemed to be something in her eyes, a reflection; perhaps she felt some kind of loneliness of her own. The ring of the school bell snapped them out of whatever was captivating them. Mana let go of his hand.  
She smiled meekly. “We should get going. We should talk with Kensuke later, see how he is doing.” And with that, the two went inside, a soft excitement in both of them..

 

* * *

  
As the lunch bell rang, Kaworu looked around the room, seeing Shinji, Asuka, and Rei eating in a corner, with Rei devouring the rice from her bento box. The girl fascinated him; he had an inclination about who she was, but was unsure. He wondered if _she_ knew who she was, if his inclination was true, and if she did, how she felt about it. Cautiously, he walked over to where she was sitting, trying to strike up a conversation.  
  
“Ah, I see you could still make it to school, Rei. I’m glad about that. I was already worried about what might have happened to you.” Kaworu was curious. The being before him was of Lilithian flesh, and so lacked a fruit of life. As such, she was fragile, vulnerable to the dangers of the world that she had spawned.   
  
Rei took a break between bites of rice to look up at Kaworu. “I underwent a medical check-up.”  
  
Kaworu nodded. His own past had been filled with check-ups and tests. Endless parades of doctors and physicians more focused on vials and machines than anything he had to say. “I know what that’s like. We have similarities, you and I.” It seemed true, there was something off about the girl that reminded Kawrou of himself.  
  
That made the girl stop. Kaworu smiled. _So she noticed it as well. So who is she? Is she my counterpart?_ But how could that be? She seemed nothing like that, despite her odd looks. She seemed meek and withdrawn.  
  
As if unsure how to respond, Rei looked at him carefully. “I see,” she said, before returning to her meal.  
  
Internally, Kaworu shrugged. He would not call the First Child out directly. It was her place to explore her own nature. He smiled and turned to the boy beside her. Shinji Ikari interested Kaworu in a way he could not explain. Perhaps he was simply emblematic of all Lilim, a fragile soul unable to connect to others for fear of being hurt. A thought appeared in his mind.  
  
“I heard something interesting about you, Shinji. You seem to appreciate music, and that style they call ‘classical music’ in particular.” Kaworu admitted to himself he had little experience with any other kind, but did not like to admit the limitations of his own experience.  
  
“Uh, that’s right,” Shinji confirmed nervously. Kaworu suspected he did not wish to draw attention to himself.  
  
“Mana told me,” Kawou said, looking over to the girl and waving her over.  
  
Mana giggled as she joined them. She seemed quite nervous to talk to Shinji again. “Oh, that’s true. Shinji told me he liked Bach.”  
  
“Ah,” Kaworu said understandingly. It was often said that Bach was music for musicians. Only they could properly appreciate its intricacies. He combined melodies in such a way that on their own they would sound discordant but together formed a greater symphony. “So you value skill, Shinji?”  
  
The boy seemed anxious, as if afraid to give his opinion. “Well… that’s kinda the point, isn’t it?” He asked. “People are appreciated because they’re good at something.”  
  
This made Kaworu furrow his brows. It was such a Shinji thing to say, to view things in terms of how others reacted. To pass judgment to the crowd. “There are many reasons to appreciate people,” he said, hoping to provide his perspective. Mana smirked at that. Kaworu wondered what she was thinking. Perhaps she was picturing him and Kensuke, people who could appreciate many different types of beauty.  
  
Kaworu returned his focus to Shinji. “If you just look at skill and achievement, you aren’t interacting with them, only their work. It’s like shying away from people, and only dealing with them indirectly.”  
  
Shinji shot back, surprisingly pointedly. “Uh… but… we _are_ talking about people’s works. About what Bach and the others composed. Their lasting achievements.”  
  
“But doesn’t that make music a bit too sterile?” Kaworu argued. For him, music was about feelings and connections. What people considered great or lasting did not matter to him, outside of the ability of others to feel what he felt. “Music is people trying to circumvent the barriers of their heart by using a powerful non-verbal medium. People can never fully relate to one another; there is only so much one can say. But they can try to pour their essence into sound and poetry. It’s still a doomed endeavour, but a grand one.” Kaworu enjoyed music greatly. Sometimes, he felt a strange affinity for people who had died hundreds of years ago. As if they were speaking to him directly through the sound.  
  
“Sounds like angry metal and punk would be just the right sort of music for you, then,” Asuka snorted dismissively.  
  
Kaworu could appreciate Asuka’s passion, but he sometimes found himself... irritated by her. It was a new feeling. Not the same kind of sudden disgust he had felt at Heck, but... _Annoyance_. Yes, that was it. For maybe the first time in his life, Kaworu was _annoyed_. At the same time, he also realized she had a strong pull with Shinji and Rei. And so, he tried to be diplomatic. “Perhaps.” In truth, Kaworu knew next to nothing about those genres. “I’m sure many of those songs display genuine emotion. But I myself like classical music as well. However, Bach seems a bit sterile, and Mozart too artificial. Myself, I prefer Beethoven, Chopin, Schumann or Wagner.”  
  
Asuka did not seem impressed “Wagner? Anti-Semitic idiot.”  
  
Kaworu was surprised by the forcefulness of her stance. What did that matter? Even if it was wrong, did it change his music? Was Siegfried's Funeral March forever tainted by the opinions of a long dead man? “Whatever his attitudes were, if factually correct or not, what matters is if they were genuine.”  
  
Asuka was aghast. “Some _attitudes_ should just be shut up!”  
  
Kaworu realized arguing with Asuka was futile, and so instead turned his attention to Shinji. “What do you think about that?”  
  
Shinji seemed shocked someone was asking his opinion. “Ah well… I’ve never listened to Wagner…” He said weakly. “But… isn’t that how people go through life? Hiding their bad sides, only showing their good ones… That seems natural to me.”  
  
_Ironic,_ Kaworu thought, that he should say that, especially with himself in earshot. The sentiment made him sad. He was hiding something as well. His desire to become one with Adam burned in his mind like a fever. A few weeks ago, it was all he had wanted. But now? The thought of his new friends passed through his mind. Of Mana and Kensuke. Some part of him wanted to stay with them, to hold them and make them happy. Still, the endless dirge of Adam remained.  
  
“Hmm, but is it good?” Kaworu asked. “In everyday life, people hide their true selves. But music should allow them to at least pierce a hole in the barrier of their heart.” _What secrets does your heart hold, Shinji Ikari? Do you even know? Does any Lilim?_ The barriers of the heart prevented any Lilim from ever really knowing one another, and yet they defined themselves through others. The result was that no Lilim could truly know oneself. Kaworu's gift was also his curse. He knew exactly what he was.  
  
Rei spoke up; barely a whisper, but it shook Kaworu like a thunderbolt. “People are alone,” She said. “That means they need comfort, not the truth.”  
  
_And what is your truth, First Child? Are you searching? Or are you afraid of what you will find?_ Kaworu was unsure. But her words spoke to him – perhaps he could play the comforter and not the voice of truth, at least for a while. “Of course you would stress hope.” Kaworu was unsure there was hope. Was hope like music? Something people tried to find meaning in where there was none, only sound.  
  
The others seemed affected by Rei's comment, as Kaworu was. And for a moment there was an uncomfortable silence, eventually broken by Shinji, who returned them to the topic of music.  
  
“Well… ah… most of the composers you’ve mentioned came later than what people consider classical music, didn’t they, Kaworu? I’m afraid I don’t know much about them.”  
  
“We could listen to them together,” Kaworu suggested. He admitted to himself that while he had very little experience with having… friends, he greatly enjoyed this new experience. To share something you loved with someone else seemed to make it better. To see them feel the way you do about it, to connect with others through shared interests. Kaworu smiled and thought of watching those movies with Mana and Kensuke. He had been so happy to share his passion with them, even though Kaworu would not say he had liked the films as much as Kensuke had. His enthusiasm had seemed to infect Kaworu in a way he did not expect. “I’m sure Mana would like that as well.” Kaworu was unsure what Mana's connection with Shinji was, only that she wanted to connect with him. It did not seem like romantic interest to Kaworu. In fact, whenever she mentioned the boy, she appeared almost hesitant, like it was a duty rather than a choice.  
  
Shinji nodded, but was non-committal. “One of these days. But… not today.”  
  
“I see,” Kaworu said, looking at Shinji, then at Rei and Asuka. “I’ll ask again another day, then,” to which Shinji just nodded. Kaworu hesitated for a moment before leaving the three. It was clear that they had a bond which would not easily allow outsiders in, no matter how friendly. Kaworu wondered if true friendship was possible with them, or if would they shun all attempts. Internally, he shrugged. That was their choice to make; Kaworu could not force such things. Mana gave Kaworu a look, and motioned them over to where Kensuke, Hikari and Touji were eating.  
  
Kensuke perked up as the two walked towards where he was sitting. He gathed alHe turned to Touji and Hikari and told them he had to go, which earned him an odd look from Touji. His two new… friends gave Kensuke a look that seemed to be saying they understood what he wanted, so without a word, the three walked out of the classroom..

 

* * *

  
It almost seemed cliché to meet on top of the roof of the school, but with the recent angel attacks, the board, with advisement from NERV, had started restricting the students’ movements during lunch, a move to try to ensure no one would be left behind if the building had to be suddenly evacuated. It was a sunny day like always, the heat blanketing everything in a warm haze. Kensuke had never known anything else.  
  
The three stood in an awkward silence, each of them looking to the other two to make the first move. Uncharacteristically, even Kaworu seemed unsure about how to proceed. Kensuke sucked in his breath and spoke up, driven by a desire to know at the very least. “So... I wanna know...what do you guys wanna do?” It was weak and vague, but it was the best he could muster.  
  
Mana looked sad and slightly confused. “What do you mean?”  
  
Kensuke’s mouth was dry, his voice cracking. “Saturday… that time we spent together was...so good... I don't know... I like you both and I wanna try to make this work somehow. I...” Tears welled up in his eyes. “I know I'm not a pilot... and I know I can be annoying, but...” Kensuke was interrupted by Mana who, with surprising speed, moved in and gave Kensuke a tight hug.  
  
“I want you too.” Mana's voice was soft “I want you both.” She looked at Kaworu, unsure of herself “I know it is not normal but I... I want to try.”  
  
Kaworu took one of her hands and held it in his. “Normal is whatever people say it is. If this...” He reached out with his other hand and squeezed Kensuke's shoulder. “Is what we truly want, then who can tell us otherwise?”  
  
Kensuke smiled and wiped the tears from his face. “Thank you. I don't know what to say.”  
  
Mana moved aside, letting Kaworu take her place. “It's okay. You don't need to say anything.” She was smiling. The sunlight seemed to radiate off of her. Kensuke had never seen anyone more beautiful than Mana was right now.  
  
And then there was Kaworu. His eyes seemed to burn like stars. The two embraced. Kensuke did not know if this would last, if they would leave, or if he was good enough, but right now, it did not matter. He was just happy to be in this moment, to feel others around him that cared.  
  
“So... where do we go from here?” Kensuke asked after the hug had ended, trying to catch his breath.  
  
It was Mana then, sitting on the roof, leaning against the chain link fence, who spoke up, her eyes thoughtful and hesitant. “I want to be with you two... I really do, but it would have to be a secret. My... Uncle would never approve of something like this. So if we are to do this, it would have to stay a secret”  
  
Kensuke sat down next to her. “I understand,” he said, nodding in agreement. “We can't control how people will react.” Kensuke felt he knew where Mana was coming from. He was in no rush to explain his feelings to Touji or his girlfriend. Hikari was quite conservative on some fronts. Always the prim and proper girl, she made a great effort to act and look respectable. And her attitude extended to others as well, chastising any classmates who did not live up to her standards. It was a miracle she and Touji got along as well as they did.  
  
Kensuke also considered his friend, unsure as to how he would react. Touji could be a brash, confident guy about some things, but Kensuke had never seen him extend that to others. He had never mocked Kensuke for his more geeky interests, nor had he chided or scolded Shinji when he had revealed his passion for cooking. Still, Kensuke was nervous. He had known the boy so long he did not want to risk his friendship on a guess.  
  
Kaworu seemed less enthused, but softened when he saw the look on Mana's face. “Sometimes, secrets are necessary, even among friends.” He looked sad.  
  
“But we’re more than friends now, aren't we?” Mana asked, looking Kaworu in the eyes  
  
A warmth seemed to spread over Kaworu's grinning face. “Yes,” he said, “I suppose we are. Even if we cannot admit it to anyone else, what matters is how we feel inside.”  
  
Kensuke looked at them both. “And what do you feel inside? Right now, the three of us together?”  
  
Kaworu seemed lost in thought, trying to say something profound like usual as he sat on Mana's opposite side. But instead, settled on something far more mundane “I feel... alive.”  
  
Mana smiled and nodded. “Me too, like we are at the start of something wonderful.”  
  
Kensuke nodded and smiled. “What will be, will be.” He laughed. Maybe Kaworu was rubbing off on him. The three stayed there for a good while, enjoying each others presence; not one said a word. None needed to – sometimes, silence was its own music.


	4. Chapter 4

_This is set parallel to chapter 32, during and after the end of the karaoke bar scene._

 

* * *

 

Kensuke felt cold and dejected. Asuka's message rang loud and clear in his mind. He was not one of them, he would never be, so he should never pretend to understand them. Ashamed, he got up and headed for the door, craving some cool air. As he left, Kaworu and Mana exchanged a concerned look and followed after him. They found him a moment later, sulking in the alley next to the bar.  
  
Mana was the first to speak, unsure of what had just transpired. “Kensuke? Are you alright? What happened back there?”  
  
Kensuke sighed, his body tense. “I did something stupid is what happened. Asuka has been complaining recently that pilots don't get enough respect, so I thought I would choose a song to say how cool and brave you all are.” Kensuke faced Kaworu as he said it. “I get it, I know it sucks, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your hard work.” He was shaking now. “First Shinji, then Touji and now you. I know that I am not one of you I just wanted to... Fuck!”  
  
He kicked an empty soda can down the alley with a crash. “I'm sorry, I get it’s not a game or a joke. I just... First, it was Shinji and that seemed cool. To have a friend that was a mecha pilot. Then Touji joined up because of his sister... Then all that shit happened, and I almost lost my best friend. And now?” He looked at Kaworu, tears forming in his eyes. “Now I have you to worry about you, too. I guess I am just afraid tomorrow some angel is gonna come and take away people I... care about.”  
  
Kaworu was torn. He wanted to tell him that it would all be alright, that things would be fine and no one would get hurt. But he knew that was a lie. And even if he could not be fully honest with Kensuke or Mana, he would not lie to them like that. “I cannot promise that nothing bad will happen, Kensuke; piloting brings with it great risks. All I can do is hope to live up to the ideal you have made for me.” Kaworu smiled genuinely. “And I want you to know that while you will not be with me physically as I go into battle, the two of you will never leave my mind because… I care about you, too.”  
  
“You do?” Kensuke brightened up “So did you like the song?”  
  
Kaworu looked thoughtful. “It was… passionate, I suppose. Not my kind of song, even though my own choice was similar. I admit that since my conversation about music with Asuka the other day I have been interested in widening my horizons. It is a little harsh for my tastes, but I appreciated your enthusiasm. And your intent did resonate with me, Kensuke. I do appreciate it, for what that is worth.”  
  
“I kinda liked it,” Mana said. “I thought it was kinda sweet.”  
  
Kensuke turned his attention to Mana. “I loved your songs, too. Yours was fun. And yours...” He turned to Kaworu. “I don't speak the language, but it was nice. Kinda somber for a party, though.”  
  
Mana nodded and blushed. “Thanks, I was a little afraid to go up since this was a NERV thing, but I just looked at you two and mustered myself up.”  
  
Kaworu smiled. “I am glad you did, doing new things is great fun with people you like. Though I apologize if my choice of song was not particularly appropriate.”  
  
Mana laughed. More genuinely than normally, it seemed. “I didn't mind, parties are supposed to be a place where you enjoy yourself. Same thing with your song, Kensuke, it was something that came from the heart.”  
  
Kaworu nodded sagely. “That it did.” A sly smile appeared on his face. “I think I should show my thanks for the performance.”  
  
Kensuke turned beet red. “I don't know what you mean by–” Kensuke was interrupted by Kaworu leaning forward and kissing him.  
  
It was electric. A surge ran down Kensuke’s spine all the way to the tips of his fingers and the soles of his feet. He felt like he was floating. He kissed back eagerly, not hearing the heavy footsteps that suddenlyappeared behind him.  
  
“Kensuke?” Touji Suzuhara looked at his best friend with a look of shock and slight disgust, before turning his attention to his fellow pilot. “What the hell were you doing to him, you freak?” Touji was a very physical person; his actions against Shinji regarding his sister had made that quite apparent. So when he balled up a fist, Kensuke was not surprised, but he was horrified.  
  
“Touji, stop!” Kensuke shouted, but it was too late. Touji swung wide at the gray-haired boy’s face. Unlike with Shinji, however, the blow did not connect. Instead, Kaworu had grabbed Touji by the wrist at the last moment, the fist inches from his face. Kensuke looked at the two of them and then to Mana. Touji was angry, practically growling. Kaworu looked... cold, his cheerful, almost whimsical expression replaced by a harsh glare.  
  
“You will cease this hostility immediately,” Kaworu said, all of his usual charm gone.  
  
Touji blanched and let his arm go limp. Kaworu, in turn, let the limb go, letting his fellow pilot rub his wrist in annoyance.  
  
“What is going on, Ken?” Touji looked at his friend angrily. “You didn't let this fruit molest you, did you?”  
  
Kensuke tried to stand tall. “Touji, stop it. Kaworu didn't do anything I didn't want him to.” He looked at Mana, who seemed paralyzed, unsure as to how to respond to the situation.  
  
Touji was shocked and hurt. “Why didn't you tell me? I thought I was your best friend.”  
  
Kensuke had had enough “Because I was afraid you would be an idiot about it! Something I was obviously right about!”  
  
Touji scowled, but didn't say anything. Instead, he just stomped back into the bar. Kensuke tried to go after him, but Mana put a hand on his shoulder. “Give him some time.”  
  
Kensuke sighed. “I’m sorry Kaworu, Touji can be a bit… Well, Touji can be a bit Touji sometimes.”  
  
Kaworu looked Kensuke in the eyes. “If he is really your friend, he will understand.”

 

* * *

  
Misato's revelation and Asuka’s reaction to it had brought the celebrations to a quick halt. Kensuke felt very awkward bearing witness to Asuka’s outburst. He could understand her reaction, but this should probably have stayed a private affair. Asuka stormed off in anger and disgust. Shinji and Rei soon followed, not without the former shooting some very hostile glares towards Misato. The trio left behind a very tense and awkward atmosphere. Nobody spoke, making things even worse.  
  
Eventually, Kensuke, overwhelmed by the situation, excused himself quietly. He was soon followed by Kaworu and Mana. The latter seemed to share his feelings while the former looked confused. Silently, the three walked down the street to the end of the block, trying to put a healthy distance between themselves and ground zero.  
  
It was Mana who broke the silence. “That was… wow.” She seemed unsure what to say. “I never thought that it was like that.”  
  
Kensuke spoke up next. “So what next? I don't know about you, but I don't want to stick around there.”  
  
“If I remember correctly, there is a bus stop a few blocks from here,” Mana said. “We can walk over if we don't want to get involved.” The others just shrugged in response, and so they began walking in the suggested direction.   
  
It was a cool night, as far as nights in Japan went, with a light breeze running through the streets. With all the closed and shuttered businesses, there was little artificial light other than the street lamps. However, the bright light of the moon made up for it, cascading a cool white light on the sleeping city. They walked in silence for a while, the only noise being a squeak from Kensuke when Mana held his hand.  
  
Kaworu seemed puzzled. “I am unsure why Asuka is in such distress over the test. I was subject to many such examinations in NERV Germany. But I suppose each of us is different.” Kaworu smiled. “Even Touji with his bathrobe.”  
  
The comment made Kensuke go red. Kaworu had always cime off as a little odd, but walking around naked? Kensuke had to wonder about what went on in NERV Germany. Mana, on the other hand, looked sad at the admission.  
  
Kensuke tried to keep going, blocking out the thoughts Kaworu's words conjured. It made for a nice visual image, but as for the pilots other than Kaworu… “It must suck for them,” he commented quietly. “Touji is… he can be sensitive about that stuff, even if he usually doesn’t show it outwardly. And Asuka… well, we’ve seen her reaction.”  
  
He heard Mana sucking in a breath, as if wanting to speak, but the girl remained quiet, and kept her gaze down to the pavement.  
  
Kaworu shrugged. “Even though I don’t understand their reactions, it is their decision in the end. If they dislike the thought of such a test so much, they should simply not do it.”  
  
“But… isn’t Major Katsuragi their superior?” Mana asked. “And Dr. Akagi as well?”  
  
“I suppose so,” Kaworu answered. “I must admit, I’ve never really paid attention to these hierarchies, but I think they are. Does that matter?”  
  
“Of course!” Mana exclaimed. “They are their superiors!”  
  
“Yes, we agreed on that,” Kaworu conceded. “But does that mean anything?”  
  
This reduced Mana to an incoherent stuttering. She seemed absolutely flabbergasted by Kaworu’s attitude.  
  
Kensuke wasn’t, but he still looked and sounded doubtful. “That could go really badly for them, though, if they refuse their superiors’ orders. Military organizations like NERV can’t allow that.”  
  
“But they depend on us pilots,” Kaworu argued. “So if we _all_ refuse the order… what could they do then?”  
  
Mana looked at him wide-eyed, as if he were speaking some great new revelation. Meanwhile, Kensuke just asked: “You’d do that? I thought you had no problem with the test.”  
  
"I don't,” Kaworu confirmed, “But I’m also not invested in it happening. And if people require my help, I will give it."  
  
"Even to Asuka?" Kensuke asked with a broad smirk on his face.  
  
Kaworu mirrored that with an ironic smile. “Even to her. And to Suzuhara and Shinji.”  
  
Kensuke scoffed, but he sounded amused. “Thanks for helping Touji and Shinji then. I’m glad you take care of them. But Asuka? Man, I still can't believe she had the gall to sing that song about the ‘Mythical East’.”  
  
“I think she was just trying to annoy Suzuhara,” Kaworu observed.  
  
“Well, yeah,” Kensuke agreed. “But she should have been mindful of her audience _besides_ him.”  
  
“I think people put far too much weight in flags and borders,” Kaworu commented. “If Second Impact taught the world anything, it was how all of humanity shares the same home and the same fate.”  
  
Finally, Mana was speaking up again. It sounded slightly subdued and lost in thought. “You seem to be very humanist.”  
  
Kaworu took it as a compliment. The more he interacted with humanity – _True humanity, not SEELE, not sterile technicians or despair addled cultists –_ the more he gained an appreciation for them. The three of them continued to walk, not caring for the hour or the dangers that might await them..

 

* * *

  
Mana was unsure how she would explain tonight to her Captain. So far her strategy had been to present her actions as a deliberate strategy: She could closer to Shinji by getting closer to his friends, like Kensuke, and fellow pilots, like Kaworu. But that explanation would only go so far. Shinji was her mark; the others were supposed to be just tools to get to him.  
  
At least Kaworu was a pilot as well. However, the insight she had gleaned from him about the pilot program had been minimal, as he was never very straight forward or forthcoming. And Kensuke? She couldn’t even find justifications for him. He had little value to her mission. But the boy made Mana feel something she thought she had forgotten: normal.  
  
It was a wonderful feeling; after so many years, it was good to be able to pretend. Mana blushed. _Not that what I’m doing with them is normal_. The three walked hand in hand along the deserted streets, hearts light. Until, out of the corner of her hearing, Mana heard something. It was a hard sound coming from a nearby alley. Sensing danger, she immediately snapped to attention. “What was that?”  
  
Kensuke seemed oblivious to the noise. “What do you mean?”  
  
Kaworu, on the other hand, seemed to notice something as well. “Maybe it was just an animal?”  
  
Mana shook her head. “Animals don't wear boots.”  
  
From the shadows of the alley, two figures emerged: Two young men, both wearing tracksuits, each with a great deal of tattoos and jewelry. The smaller one of the two stepped forward. He was wearing, as Mana had guessed, a pair of stylish black boots, and in his hand he held a small blade. “And such nice boots indeed.” He laughed “Took a lot of stupid kids like you to pay for these things.” He laughed towards his larger companion. The taller man simply grunted.  
  
A realization passed over the three of them. They were being mugged. Kensuke began to freak out, thinking of all the squishy parts of his body he didn't want stabbed. Kaworu was paralyzed in thought. He could dispatch the two with a thought, but that would reveal himself to Mana and Kensuke, and then what would they think of him? To think nothing of if he was discovered by NERV. Mana, on the other hand, simply smirked.  
  
“Why don't you let us go? Then there won't be any trouble.” Mana tried to be diplomatic first. There was no need to hurt them unless they forced her to.  
  
That made the two laugh. “Trouble? I like trouble, especially from pretty little school girls like you.”  
  
Kensuke spoke up, trying to deflect his attention “Hey! Leave her alone, you asshole.”  
  
Mana sighed. _Oh Kensuke, you adorable idiot._ She watched as his answer got exactly the response she had expected. The two thugs stopped laughing and closed in. The bigger one of the two spoke up for the first time. “Enough talk – hand over your wallets or we’ll have some fun.”  
  
Mana suppressed a smirk as she positioned herself in front of the small one, careful to keep him between his comrade and her exposed flank. _The only one about to have fun is me._ Lowering her stance, she prepared herself.  
  
The small one advanced, blade in hand “Listen chicky, why don't you drop this idiot and come with us, we can–” He did not have time to respond as Mana rushed forward, grabbing the assailant by the wrist and twisting it sharply, eliciting a cry of pain as he let go of the weapon. Still staggering from the attack, the man was unprepared for Mana's next strike: A harsh punch to the bridge of his nose. A wet crunch rang out in the street as he dropped to his knees, clutching his face in pain.  
  
Mana almost felt bad for him. Had she been almost anyone else, he would have had an easy mark. The thugs were expecting normal middle school students; instead what they were getting was someone trained extensively in close quarter combat by the JSSDF. She didn’t like what the JSSDF had done with her. She would have liked to have lived a normal life, or at least one of freedom. But at least _this_ , this was easy and straightforward. She didn’t need to feel guilty for manipulating people, as she had with Shinji. She didn’t need to be terrified as she had about her interactions with Kaworu and Kensuke these past days. Their warm touches and kind words delighted her, but had also thrown her into doubt and confusion. In contrast, here, she simply needed to step forwards and _act_. That was almost a relief.   
  
The heavy man swore as he charged at Mana, his arms outstretched, poised to grab her. This simply gave her more room to move. Turning slightly to the side, she grabbed one of his meaty arms as she tripped him, throwing him down onto the concrete street. The thug landed in a crumpled heap. So as to not leave any doubts, Mana kicked the fallen man’s ribs hard, before walking back to her friends.  
  
“Let's get out of here,” She said, backing away from the two fallen men with ragged breath. The two nodded. Mana turned and the trio walked away at a brisk pace.  
  
As they neared the end of the street, they heard a voice. The smaller of the two thugs had risen to one knee and was now addressing them. “You’re gonna be sorry when we tell our boys about you!”  
  
That made Mana laugh. She turned back to respond “Tell them what? That two big gangsters got beat down by a school girl?” When he offered no response, Mana turned and left, flanked on both sides by Kensuke and Kaworu. She sighed softly. “I thought not.”  
  
Mana felt oddly satisfied. All the uncertainties of the past days, all her guilt and shame about her mission… those things didn’t matter in physical combat. In truth, she felt like she had probably vented them at the guys. She would have felt bad about that if not for the fact that those thugs had just tried to mug them.  
  
When they were far enough away, Kensuke turned to Mana, amazed and quite embarrassed. “Holy shit! That was amazing! Where did you learn to fight like that?” He half wanted to accuse Kaworu of being unhelpful, but he quickly realized he had done no better and decided to forgo the avenue.  
  
Mana shrugged. “My uncle got me self-defense lessons last year,” She said, returning to her bubbly state. “I guess they really paid off.” She smiled and wrung her hands, the action calling Kensuke's attention to her now bruised and cut knuckles.  
  
“Are you okay? You’re not in pain are you?” Kaworu asked guiltily. He felt terrible. His indecision had caused harm to someone he cared about. Internally, he regretted not simply killing the two on the spot.  
  
Mana tried to smile. “It's alright, I have had worse.” She said so in a way that did not invite further inquiry. Instead, she looked down the street and pointed. “Look, there's the bus shelter. I knew we weren't far.”  
  
The three followed Mana to the pick-up area. Kensuke was still in a daze from the experience, Kaworu still melancholy over his inaction. Sensing this, Mana looked at the two. “Cheer up guys, it's okay. None of us are hurt, right?” She remembered the marks on her hands. “Much.”  
  
The two seemed to accept that, but still seemed very uncomfortable about the situation. In an attempt to change the mood, Mana thought of something Kensuke had mentioned earlier. “So you tried to call us on Sunday, Kensuke?”  
  
Kensuke seemed to snap out of his funk when called upon, remembering his attempts to contact the other two. “Oh yeah, I did.”  
  
Mana smiled. “Would you like our numbers now? So we can call each other when we get home, to let each other know we are okay.”  
  
Kensuke smiled at that, taking out his phone “Alright then, let’s see...” Kensuke swore as he saw that his phone had run out of battery. “Sorry, I’m out. You have a piece of paper?”  
  
Mana shook her head, but smiled. “No, but I do have a pen. And you have some skin, don't you?”  
  
Kensuke understood, pulling down his sleeve to reveal a pale freckled arm. Mana pulled the aforementioned black pen from her purse and began to carefully inscribe her number onto Kensuke’s arm. The boy blushed at the surprisingly intimate act. After she was down, she turned to see Kaworu smiling, patiently waiting for his turn. “Me next?”


	5. Chapter 5

_This chapter is set parallel to NME chapter 35, the weekend after the Arael fight._

 

* * *

 

Kaworu looked out over the lake as he skipped stones into its clear water, seeing the morning sun reflecting off its surface. He was miserable. Despite his earlier promise to himself, he had let Shinji suffer the blows from his brother. And once again, he had been forced to take the life of his sibling for NERV. Was this the cost of his new life? That he would suffer in silence? He thought of Mana and Kensuke. His hopes seemed to be tied to them; they anchored his thoughts and gave him joy. But with those thoughts came the inevitable feelings of fear. He was like Arael – he would never stop wanting to unite with his mother, he would never be free of this insatiable need. A cold creeping thought inched into Kaworu's mind like a worm. _Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared?_ Kaworu's introspection was interrupted by a voice from behind him. He turned around to see his fellow pilot, Touji Suzuhara, waving at him.  
  
The boy approached. As usual, he was wearing his standard sweat suit and jacket. Kaworu sighed. Touji had also suffered in the last battle due to his indecision. And while their confrontation on the night of the party still seemed to linger over them, Kaworu felt for the boy. Unlike the rest of his fellow pilots, Touji had a family to think of, a young sister that NERV was helping treat at the cost of Touji’s continued cooperation. The thought made him slightly sick. The lilims’ endless capacity for apathy towards their fellows disgusted him. As Touji got closer, he could see he had a complicated expression, as if quite conflicted.  
  
“There you are,” Touji said. “Been looking all over for you. Listen…” He breathed, steadying himself. “I think we should talk.”  
  
Kaworu assumed he meant about the battle. “I am sorry that you were hurt yesterday, Suzuhara. I know that this is a great burden on you.”  
  
Touji shrugged, trying to look disaffected. “It's alright, you were hit pretty hard by that thing yourself. And that while trying to save Shinji, so at least you were useful. I feel terrible that I never seem to be able to help.” He looked sullen for a moment. “But don't worry about that. Besides, you did everything you could to save me. That's all anyone can ask.” The words stabbed into Kaworu like knives. His feelings of guilt and shame over his actions returned tenfold. Touji seemed to pick up on his demeanor and shifted the conversation. “Anyway, that was not what I wanted to talk with you about.”  
  
Kaworu perked up, interested. “What did you wish to discuss then?”  
  
Touji shifted, clearly uncomfortable. “I wanted to talk about you and Kensuke.”  
  
Kaworu was surprised. “Oh?” Kaworu was unsure as to why some forms of love and affection were scorned while others were lauded. Why Touji had been angry that his friend had found happiness.  
  
Touji looked at Kaworu earnestly. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I was shocked and angry, but that doesn’t really excuse it. After all you did yesterday and sticking up for me against Akagi...” Touji sighed. “You have been far nicer to me than I deserved.”  
  
Kaworu smiled. “I understood your shock. It is never easy to learn that someone close has kept something from you. I harbour no ill will towards you, Suzuhara, and I don't think Kensuke does, either. But if it means anything to you, I accept your apology.”  
  
Touji smiled back and let out a sigh of relief. “That means a lot. And about Ken, you really mean that?”  
  
Kaworu nodded. “It seems to me that he misses his friend. I think if you two talk about it, you can work it out.” Kaworu sincerely hoped that they could reconnect. The idea that this would separate the two forever was almost too sad to think about.  
  
Touji sighed. “I just don't know how to talk to him. It feels like so much has changed between us.”  
  
Kaworu laughed. “Has it? I admit, I have not known Kensuke for long but I can't imagine him being very different. Yes, his... preferences may be surprising, but I doubt you really put too much thought into his romantic prospects before now.”  
  
Touji thought about that. Let it roll over in his mind. “I guess not. I mean, I don't know.” He began to smile “Is he still a huge dork?”  
  
Kaworu laughed earnestly. “Do not have any doubt on that, Suzuhara. I am an Eva pilot and sometimes the way he goes on about robots and hardware confuses even me.”  
  
Touji laughed along, thinking of his friend’s eccentricities. “He certainly speaks in a language all his own sometimes.” He picked up a rock and attempted to mimic Kaworu's skipping technique. Predictably, it failed to bounce once, instead landing with a splash. “I wish Ken were here right now. I would... I would say–”   
  
Kaworu put a hand on his shoulder “I was going to meet him and Mana later today, if you would like to join us. It would give you a chance to explain, before things between you get too settled to heal.”  
  
Touji rubbed the back of his neck. “I would love to, but me and my dad are visiting Sakura in the hospital. We try and see her as much as possible, especially these days.”  
  
Kaworu perked up. “By some coincidence, we are going to the NERV hospital as well. Mana called me earlier and suggested that we visit Shinji. I am sure that he could use friends right now.”  
  
Touji suddenly remembered Shinji and the state he was in after the last battle. “Ah man, I’m sure. I’ll try to say hello as well. I know we aren't as close as we used to be. Soryu and Ayanami seem to take up all his time these days.” He drifted off, perhaps internally regretting not reaching out sooner. “But I should make the effort. He has saved my life a dozen times now, it seems.”  
  
Kaworu smiled. “Then I will meet you there. I am sure he would be delighted to see his friends there to support him.”  
  
Sensing the conversation had run its course, the two began to walk in their separate directions. Touji suddenly stopped, though, seeming to remember something. He turned and ran back over to Kaworu. “One more thing: Just ‘cause you’re an Eva pilot doesn’t mean I won't beat you senseless if you hurt my friend. Got that?” He held up a fist.  
  
Kaworu laughed. Touji seemed to be a creature of passion, ever eager to face a problem head-on with his fists. Still, while he thought the gesture was foolish, Kaworu understood the intent behind it and admired the boy’s loyalty to his friend. He took a moment to formulate a response. “I will try my best to do right by your friend, Suzuhara. You have my word.” This seemed to appease the Fourth Child. And so, with an exchange of pleasantries, the two separated, agreeing to meet later on.

 

* * *

  
Mana sat on the bus with her two new companions, holding a bouquet of roses in an awkward silence. All three of them seemed lost in their own thoughts. For Kensuke, it seemed to be how he would react to his friend Touji's apology, whether to embrace it or to be scolding and where to go from there. Kaworu was inscrutable, but Mana guessed he was worried about the battle the day before and about his actions during it. Mana had learned in the time she knew Kaworu that, while he often played the undying optimist, there was often a twinge of pain behind his eyes.  
  
_He is like me._ _U_ _nable to ever be completely open with others_. And that was the root of her sadness now, because while she felt for her classmate’s pain, Mana had no real desire to see Shinji. No, the reason she was here now was that she had been ordered to. It was another effort to get her into Shinji's good books, to play the cute funny girl with a crush. Even the roses were her CO's idea: She would show up with them and then realize too late that roses meant romance, not friendship. She would then giggle and say that they were whatever Shinji wanted.  
  
Mana shuddered. Shinji was a nice boy; he had to have saved her and all of Tokyo-3 half a dozen times already. He did not deserve to be manipulated like this. And what was worse was that she had to do it in front of the people she really wanted. All the while she was with Kensuke and Kaworu, she would have to play the stupid little schoolgirl to Shinji. She looked at Kaworu and asked what was wrong. She knew with Kensuke that there was nothing to be done until they reached the hospital and therefore Touji. But if Kaworu was worried about something piloting-related, he could confide in them.  
  
Kaworu looked at his two new loves. “Something Asuka said on the day of the test has been bothering me.” When neither of the two spoke up, Kaworu continuedm “I had hoped that Dr Akagi would see reason. That Asuka's passion would cut through her cold professionalism and reveal a humanity underneath.” Kaworu sighed “I was unfortunately mistaken. It seems that this was the final straw on a very beleaguered camel. I fear this will not end quietly.”  
  
Mana nodded. She knew all too well what happened when people in authority believed they were free to do as they wished to people like Asuka. The results were not pretty. “So what is going to happen?”  
  
Kaworu shrugged, unsure. “It appears that we pilots have formed an impromptu coalition. Together, we stood up to Dr Akagi and were spared the test, but...”  
  
Mana looked confused “But?”  
  
Kensuke stepped in, his eyes sharp “But the pilots only have one card to play. NERV holds all the power here, save one thing. Only the pilots can pilot. I don't know why exactly, none of the explanations NERV releases to the public make any sense, but...” He looked very serious. “In the end, only you,” Kensuke looked Kaworu in the eyes, “Can make those machines run. And if you refuse to pilot, then there is nothing that NERV can do to replace you. Especially if what you said about the other pilots agreeing to follow suit is true.”  
  
Mana looked stunned. On the one hand, she was horrified by the implications; on the other, she was a bit jealous. How many time in her life would she have done anything for some privacy, some dignity, some basic humanity? Mana could not blame Asuka; she knew what it was like to be pushed so far. Still, she also knew how unreasonable some people were, how demanding. What if NERV did not back down? What if Asuka and the pilots were forced to choose between themselves and the people they protected?  
  
“Do you think NERV will cave?” she asked.  
  
Kensuke cut in angrily. “How can you say that? These are people’s lives! Touji is visiting his sister, who was injured by an angel attack as we speak. And that happened even with an Evangelion defending the city. Imagine what one would do with nothing to stop it.”  
  
He seemed quite impassioned. And while Mana sympathized with him, she also felt Kensuke was being unfair. He had never been forced to do the things she had done, never been poked and prodded and robbed of all power. Was it really so bad to they use the one thing available to them?  
  
Kaworu was lost. He did not want to put innocent lives at risk, especially now, as he had so much to lose. It made him think of the the way SEELE’s councillors acted, who had little qualms to sacrifice people like pawns in a chess game, and it made him sick to think in those terms. But at the same time, he did not want to give up any power the pilots had in claiming dignity. He had spent his life like that, as nothing but an object to examine and then set loose. Kaworu was not used to the feeling of anger, but he knew what he felt when he thought of Kiel and his companions.  
  
Mana looked at Kaworu with sympathy. She knew he was feeling torn between his fellow pilots and his partners. His fellow pilots and his own morals. “I... I can't tell you what to do, Kaworu.” She reached out to hold his hand. “But whatever you decide, I know you’ll follow your heart.”  
  
Kensuke calmed himself and took Kaworu's other hand, smiling. “Yeah, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”  
  
Kaworu smiled at his new loves. A silent understanding passed between them. They spent the rest of the bus ride like that, connected. As the bus filled, they got a few odd looks from their fellow commuters. They did not mind, though, not really – they had each other..

 

* * *

  
The official NERV hospital was an unassuming grey building close to the Geofront for easy access to the base. Large lots seemed empty; indeed, the building itself seemed cold and foreboding to look at. There was nothing individual about it; it was just another NERV structure in a city full of them.  
  
At the checkpoint, Kaworu presented his identification to a guard. The guard gave the three a brief, odd look. It probably did not happen often that a single NERV employee was bringing two minors with him. In the end, though, he said nothing and simply let them pass. The three could thus soon see that the hospital’s insides were very much like its outside. There were little signs of life beyond the occasional scuttling nurse or tired technician.  
  
Kaworu whistled aloud. “It's so empty; there seems to be nothing but hallways and rooms full of machines.”  
  
Kensuke chuckled. “I should be grateful for that, I suppose. My dad's company sells medical equipment to people like NERV.” Kensuke tried to put on a fun face. But the truth was he had hated hospitals ever since his mother had gotten sick years ago. Ever since then, he associated them with despair and death.  
  
Kaworu looked at the cold waiting area, searching for a secretary or nurse of some kind to point them in Shinji's direction. “I hope that Touji and his father have better luck navigating this place. We should ask them if we see them.”  
  
That caught Kensuke’s attention “Wait, Touji's dad is coming here too?”  
  
Kaworu shrugged. “Did I not say that? I am sorry, I must have forgotten. Touji said the two of them would be visiting his sister.”  
  
Kensuke looked stressed. “Toiji's dad is... there is something you should know about him before you meet.”  
  
As the three searched for a nurse of some kind to show them the right way, Kensuke outlined the occupation of his friend’s father. Mana seemed shocked. “He’s a yakuza!?”  
  
Kensuke frantically tried to shush her. “Tell everyone, why don't you? Look, I have known Touji for a long time. And I’ve met his father dozens of times. He is... well I’m not gonna say he's perfect, he’d certainly not approve of what we’re doing, but... He loves his family, and he tries his best to take care of them.”  
  
Mana seemed unconvinced. “Still...” She did not need to point out the elephant in the room. That the three of them had been attacked by thugs that may well have been Yakuza days earlier. Afterwards, on her wayhome, Mana had made a quick call to her CO and the police, but the incident still hovered in her mind.  
  
“I… doubt that Touji's dad had anything to do with what happened last week,” Kensuke tried to reassure Mana. “According to Touji, he has been angry at NERV over them scooping up his son and threatening to cut off care for his daughter. I highly doubt he would be okay with some of his guys trying to rough up some kids. Especially when one is a pilot like his son.”  
  
Kaworu was unsure about this. He admitted he was ignorant of Japan and its relation with organized crime. He did not approve in a general sense, but was confused as to what to do. He decided that he would meet this man before making any concrete judgments.  
  
Mana huffed. “It sounds like you are defending him.”  
  
Kensuke shrugged and conceded the point. “Just... Try to hear him out. He’s here to visit his daughter, so there is no need to antagonize him.”  
  
Mana scoffed, but kept quiet. Finally they found someone who looked like he could help them. However, after several attempts to search through the hospital’s patient list on a tablet he carried, the nurse could only shrug. It appeared that while the Third Child had been scheduled to be evaluated and that a room had been set aside for him, he was not currently residing in the hospital.  
  
Mana sighed as the nurse walked off down the hall to continue his business. “I guess Misato just took him back to their apartment.” Internally, she was relieved. With a contented sigh, she walked over to a nearby trash can and tossed the bouquet in. She smiled as it let out a satisfying thunk.  
  
“That's good, right?” Kensuke pondered. “I guess that means he is okay. I wonder if we will see him on Monday?”  
  
Kaworu was less convinced. He had been there when his brother brutalized Shinji's mind. He had watched as they pulled him from EVA-01, a sobbing mess. More likely was that Shinji simply was injured in a way that the doctors here could not heal, or even only explain. Kaworu was sure that Shinji was in good hands, though. He could tell that he shared a special bond with Asuka and Rei. The way they moved in tandem, the way they protected each other and brought out the best in each other… It was something he only hoped he could achieve with his loves.

 

* * *

  
Toshiro Suzuhara was a complicated man. So much of his profession required him to look tough, to act with authority and to make hard decisions. He was not one for subtlety or subterfuge; he left the grand plans up to his oyabun. His was a face not out of place on a wanted poster or a police line up. His large frame and muscled body were tools for when things got rough. And they often did. So it would surprise many to see the gangster completely content, holding his daughter in his arms as he read her a story about a rabbit’s trip to the beach.  
  
After he had finished, he put the book down next to a stack of others on a table next to Sakura's bed. He let her rest in his arms a moment, thinking on the last few months. It had been the hardest thing he had ever faced to see his child like this. To watch her suffer and unable to do anything. Inside, he felt guilty. Ever since Haruna's passing, all he had wanted was for their children to have a better life than they’d had. For them to have more opportunities than their parents had been granted. And yet… here he was, holding one of his children in his arms as she lay sick while the other stood outside, where he may be called to fight and die on his behalf at a moment’s notice. He had been disgusted by the way that NERV had used his son, snatching him away when he could not protect him and blackmailing him into piloting. The worst part was that he could not stop it. He needed NERV's help – Sakura's condition was too fragile. He would not risk her health. All he could do was vent his frustration at NERV through his men – make them pay for their arrogance and their pride.  
  
When he felt Sakura begin to doze, Toshiro got up from her side. He would have preferred to stay, but the doctors all said that too long visits tired her out, and that she needed rest.  
  
“You going, daddy?” Sakura yawned.  
  
“For now, princess. You should get some sleep.” Toshiro tried to be strong for his daughter. It would do no good for her to see him weak.  
  
Sakura could barely keep her eyes open. “Okay...”  
  
Toshiro went to the chair beside her bed and picked up the black jacket he had placed there. He looked back at Sakura. “You be good now, and do those homework books your teacher gave you. I want you to grow up smart.”  
  
Sakura whined. “But they are so boring. And there is no one here to help me.”  
  
Toshiro swallowed. He tried to be here as often as he could, but with all the uncertainty recently, what with the angel attacks and now the conflict with NERV, his boss had been leaning on him hard to secure their gumi’s place. “Come on,” he said, trying to smile, “be a good girl for daddy.”  
  
Sakura smiled. “Okay, if you say so.” She lay back on her bed, dizzy.  
  
Toshiro left the room with a sigh, giving Touji a nod. There was not much to say at this point; all they could do was hope and wait. Two hallways down, the father and son turned a corner to come face-to-face with Touji's fellow pilot Kaworu and his two compatriots.  
  
 Touji reacted with some surprise. “Nagisa, Kensuke… Kirishima?” Touji had not interacted very much with the girl, only seeing her in passing at the party. He assumed that she and Kaworu had taken a liking to each other when they toured the city.  
  
Toshiro looked at the gray-haired boy “Nagisa? This is the pilot you mentioned before? Kaworu Nagisa?”  
  
Touji nodded. “He was the one who tried to help me save Shinji.”  
  
Toshiro loomed forward toward the angel.  
  
Kaworu was unsure what to say, instead sticking out his hand in polite greeting. “It is good to meet you, Mr. Suzuhara.”  
  
Toshiro took the boy’s hand and pulled him into an embrace. Kensuke and Mana gave each other a questioning look. Suzuhara Senior simply laughed. “No need to be so formal, boy, you and my son are brothers in arms! The way he tells it, you saved his life.” He let go of the confused Kaworu, patting him on the shoulder before turning his attention to Kaworu's associates. “Good to see you here, Ken. You friends with Kaworu here, too?” He then looked Mana over, trying to place her “And I don't believe we have met, either. You are?”  
  
Mana perked up, her bubbly facade returning to the surface. “Mana Kirishima, sir. It’s good to meet you. I am a friend of Kaworu and Kensuke's.”  
  
The five made their way to the entrance, talking all the way. Toshiro had no shortage of praise for Kaworu for helping his son. And no shortage of things to say about NERV either once it was clear that Kaworu held little loyalty to the organization. Mana explained why they had come, and how they had now been left a bit in the wind. Kensuke and Touji, it seemed, were having their own conversation expressed entirely through looks and glances. As they reached the edge of a vacant lot containing a black station wagon, Toshiro grinned, an idea playing in his head.  
  
“I am sorry about your friend. I know how hard it is to see a comrade injured. I want to show you my appreciation for saving my son.”  
  
Kaworu had long since abandoned the idea of insisting to the senior Suzuhara that he had not in fact saved his son – the man did not want to hear it. Now he wondered what Suzuhara senior had meant by his comment. “Really, there is no need.”  
  
Toshiro laughed. “Nonsense. Who would not like a reward for their efforts? Don't worry, it's nothing big, just a night in town on me. What do you say?”  
  
Kaworu looked at Kensuke and Mana before answering. Kensuke seemed fine with it, while Mana… “Would you like to come as well, Mana? It would not be as fun without you.”  
  
Mana considered things for a moment. She was still unsure about Mr. Suzuhara, but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. The way he talked about his children made her a bit jealous. She had never had a parent who would fight for her like that. After a moment, she nodded and off they went.


	6. Chapter 6

_This chapter is set parallel to NME chapters 36 and 37, spanning the whole week after the Arael battle._

 

* * *

 

It was Monday, and despite the battle with the angel the previous Friday, life went on. For Hikari, that meant school and all that entailed, from helping students with their schedules to organizing the cleanup duties and taking a hand in managing the school’s ever shrinking clubs. She noticed that Shinji, Rei, and Asuka were all absent and concluded that the two girls were probably taking care of their friend. Touji had told how badly Shinji had been during the fight. It was not a situation Hikari approved of, but one that was understandable.  
  
Touji, Kensuke and Kaworu on the other hand? Hikari had more concerns there. The three were sitting together at a desk and enjoying their lunch meals. Whatever bad blood had existed between Touji and Kaworu since Misato’s party seemed to have disappeared, and Kensuke was back to joking with his old friend as well, the first time in a week. That all was good and well, but it were the looks between Kensuke and Kaworu that concerned Hikari. Ever so often, one of them would look at the other in a way Hikari could only describe as ‘strage’.  
  
She raised an eyebrow at Touji one time this happened, but he just shrugged and continued to scarf down his rice.  
  
Eventually, after a great deal of frustration in attempting to use them, one of Kaworu's chopsticks flew out of his hand, smacking against the opposite wall with a dull thud, earning a laugh from Touji and Kensuke and a disapproving look from Hikari. She had little tolerance for such spectacles… so her jaw dropped when, after a beat, Kensuke took his own chopsticks and fed the gray-haired boy a dumpling from his plate directly.  
  
Kensuke looked at Kaworu and shook his head, chuckling. “They let you pilot a hundred tons war machine but you can't figure out how to use two pieces of wood.”  
  
Kaworu smiled. “I admit there are some intricacies to living in Japan that I have not yet mastered. I am just grateful I have someone here to teach me.” Without a word, Kaworu reached down and grabbed Kensuke's free hand for a quick peck, which made Kensuke blush.  
  
A great wave of realization swept over Hikari. Immediately, she looked over at Touji to gauge his reaction to this… event. To add to her shock, the look on her boyfriend’s face was one of forced nonchalance. Hikari, on the other hand, was having none of it, sneering as she picked up her food to eat somewhere else.  
  
Touji in turn got up, looking at his girlfriend and sensing her distaste “Hikari, come on. Don't be like that.”  
  
Hikari was not enthused. “Are you really okay with that?” She motioned with one hand to Kaworu and Kensuke, who were both still sitting but watching the display.  
  
Touji stood tall. “He’s my friend, as is Kaworu. Now let it go.”  
  
A look of slight revulsion came over Hikari. “A weirdo is one thing, but I thought you’d think twice before hanging out around disgusting little pillow biters,” she huffed, storming off out of the classroom door before anything more could be said.  
  
Touji thought for a moment about chasing after her, but let it go. He knew well that sometimes people needed time to cool down. Instead, he turned his attention to his friend and his fellow pilot. Not wanting to say anything stupid, he instead opted to let silence reign.

 

* * *

  
Kaworu was in a garden, of that much he was sure, though of what kind or make he could not say. Green seemed to cover every inch that he could see. Such a variety of plant life astonished him. Trees of all shapes and sizes mingled freely, heavy with both fruit and with flowers. Kaworu felt called to inspect it all, every leaf and bud, every root and stem. But there was something else within him, a deep calling to push further into this garden. As he went, Kaworu saw more than just plant life. Lying in the shade of the trees were animals of many descriptions, all seemingly content to recline in the shade and watch as Kaworu approached.  
  
The call was stronger now; the more he walked, the more it pulled. Kaworu could hardly keep himself from running as he pushed deeper into the center of the garden. He could not focus on the beauty around him as the ringing in his head became a cacophony, screaming at him, compelling him onward... until finally he saw his purpose.   
  
Standing under a tall tree in a clearing away from the others was _her_. She was beautiful; her immaculate ivory white skin and red hair seemed to stand in defiance to the glaring sun. Kaworu moved closer, keeping hos glance on the boy, whose freckled shoulders called out to his touch. Kaworu realized that he was naked, but felt no shame, for he was with his most beloved. When he looked into the burning red eyes of Adam he felt a connection more profound than can be known. Kaworu smiled as he looked her over. He placed a hand on Kaworu's cheek, and when she spoke, it was Kiel's voice that echoed.  
  
“ _Fulfill your purpose!_ ”   
  
Here? Now? But he was enjoying himself! He had people he loved! Still, the compulsion swelled inside him. With desperate pleading, Kaworu wrapped his hands around Rei's throat, squeezing as the call pulled him to continue. Kaworu shook and he wept, but he could not stop, throttling the girl before him who seemed to bear the faces of everyone he knew, of all Lilim, until slowly her gentle rasping and spasms stopped.  
  
Kaworu rocketed awake, his body soaked in sweat. Shaking, he tried to make it to the bathroom before collapsing and vomiting the contents of his stomach onto the carpet floor. Half crawling, half staggering, he made it into the shower stall. With an errant hand, he turned on the tap, drenching himself in a blast of steaming hot water. As Kaworu rocked back and forth, the cascading stream pouring down his back, he looked at his hand. His own tears mixed with the water as he realized that some part of him still felt his hands around her neck. “I'm so fucked up.”

 

* * *

  
Breathing deeply, Kaworu marched on towards the apartment blocks in the distance. At the very least, he could deliver the warm wishes of Shinji’s friends in class. Touji had called Shinji a hero and had asked Kaworu to tell Shinji that he would slug anyone who said otherwise. Kensuke had echoed the heroic sentiment, but had added that if Shinji did need more time to recover, he could borrow any of his manga or DVDs to pass the time. Even Hikari, who Kaworu was not on good terms with since the previous day, had asked that he convey her best wishes for a speedy recovery.  
  
The door opened and Kaworu was met by Major Katsuragi. She did not, by Kaworu's appraisal, seem to be in the best of shape. There were bags under eyes, her uniform was disheveled and her hair seemed to be sticking out in every direction at once.  
  
The woman took a moment to look Kaworu over, her eyes brightening with recognition. "Nagisa? What are you doing here?"  
  
"I tried to visit Shinji in the hospital on Saturday but I was told he was not there, so I assumed he was at his place of residence. However, since he hasn't been to school, either, I was a bit worried." Kaworu smiled at the Major.  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry to say he's not here." Misato seemed to be anxious as she said it, as if she was guilty of something. "He is... in good hands, so don't worry.”  
  
Kaworu shrugged. He had hoped to see his friend, but it seemed that was not in the cards. "Well, it was nice seeing you then, Major," Kaworu said as he turned around and began to walk toward the elevator.  
  
"Wait!" The Major’s voice almost sounded like a plea. "I’m sorry he isn't here but... would you like to stay a while? Maybe have some tea?"  
  
Misato showed Kaworu in, waving a hand as she apologized for the state of the place. "I'm sorry about this," she said, gesturing to the boxes of take out and the pyramid made from beer cans. "It's sad how fast things can just get away from you." Misato looked sad too. Kaworu, for his part, was unsure what to say, instead silently taking a seat at the kitchen table.  
  
It took a while for Misato to find the tea – apparently, since his arrival, Shinji had made the kitchen his own domain. Eventually, a small box of chamomile was procured from above the stove and Misato fetched two mugs from the cabinet. Kaworu smiled as he saw his had a playful cartoon kitten wrapped up in yarn.   
  
Misato noticed the boy’s reaction. "That one was a gift from a good friend. Well, she was a good friend, anyway. These days, I'm not so sure."  
  
Kaworu smiled mournfully as Misato poured some water from the kettle into his mug. "Human relationships are more complicated than I imagined. Back in Germany, everything was so clear. Everyone was a doctor or a teacher or a servant. This… ambiguity is something I am getting used to."  
  
Misato perked up at the words. She had known Kaworu was from the Hamburg branch of Nerv Germany, but admitted that she had never thought the way they trained their pilot applicants was any different than Berlin's. _Great, just what I need_. Another reason to feel guilty.  
  
"Do you like it here?" she managed to ask, sitting down with her own mug.  
  
Kaworu smiled wide. "I do. I have not been here long, but I have met so many wonderful people." Misato went wide-eyed as she saw the enigmatic boy blush. "Things here feel so… alive and real. I am very glad I have had the chance to come here. Even if the circumstances are a bit grim."  
  
Misato looked away. "I’m sorry I haven’t paid very much attention to you. Things have been so stressful since your arrival, and…" Misato caught herself. "But that's not really an excuse. It's supposed to be my job to look after the pilots. And as this past week has shown, I’m not doing a very good job."  
  
Kaworu thought for a moment. He wished that he could apologize for his brothers. He wished he could undo the damage they had caused. "You are doing what you believe you have to. I suppose that is all anyone can be asked to do. Only when it is all over can we ever be sure that what we did was right or wrong. When our souls are measured and our feathers weighed, we will know. But for now, the important thing is living long enough to be able to allow ourselves the luxury of regret. For now, survival takes priority."  
  
Misato gritted her teeth. “I know, but for now – if you need anything, even just someone to talk to, I am here. I know I push you guys too hard; you have every right to hate me.”  
  
Kaworu nodded. He was going to tell Misato to think nothing of it, but… looking back on everything that was going on, perhaps it would be unwise to throw away a favor. “I will keep that in mind. And Major–” Kaworu smiled. “I don't hate you.”  
  
Misato got up and began to rummage in the pantry, not wanting the boy to see her wipe something from her eye. "There must be some cookies or something in here," she said with a weak voice. "Not even Shinji is that restrained."  
  
Misato returned with a forced smile, holding her findings: Half a box of what she assumed to Asuka's cookies. "There," she said, "I can at least pretend I am a good host now."  
  
Kaworu took out a thin chocolate mint cookie and nibbled happily. "Don't worry about it, Major. Compared to Kensuke, you are a master host." He did not mean to slag his love, but the boy often was so wrapped up in his own interests he lost track of others.  
  
Misato perked up. "Kensuke? Touji's friend? I remember you brought him to my little celebration party at that karaoke place. I’m glad you’re getting along. Of course, he was not the only one you brought, hmm?" Misato could not help but notice the way Kaworu had looked at the Mana girl during his song.  
  
Kaworu became a bit flustered. He was not supposed to reveal his relationship with Mana to anyone. A pang of regret went through his mind, regret over the fact that Kensuke and himself had been exposed so thoroughly. It would be quite awkward when Mana did return, having part of the relationship public while another part private.  
  
Kaworu stopped when Misato gave a short laugh. “It's okay, you don't have to tell me, I understand… When you’re a teenager, everything feels so complicated and immediate. When you look at the stars, you think they were made just for you.” Misato turned her head, not wanting Kaworu to see her like this. “Hold onto that for as long as you can.” Misato had never felt that way. Her teenage years, in contrast, were spent alone in a padded room, far away from anyone.  
  
“Oh, I know,” Kaworu said, thinking of all the things he had done since his arrival. Of holding Kensuke in his arms and kissing Mana in the rain. Of fighting and singing and eating. Meeting wonderful new and exciting people: Shinji, Asuka, and Rei, who orbited each other like shooting stars; Toshiro, strong and proud like his son; Kaji, sly and clever; even Hikari, with whom he was not on the best terms, made Kaworu smile to think about – her warmth and caring showed through even when she was hurtful; and finally, the Major, who sat across from him now. Kaworu could feel a great burden on her. It was no surprise that she acted as she did. Kaworu then thought of the dream, and its meaning, and wondered again what he could do to protect those he loved. “It is important to grasp joy when it comes, because we never know when it will end.”

 

* * *

  
Tuesday did not see the return of the Shinji, Asuka or Rei; neither did it seem to cool the widening tension between Kensuke and Hikari. Some part of Kensuke knew what she wanted. Hikari was a strict old-fashioned girl; he could probably get her off his back if he apologized. But dammit, Kensuke did not want to! And why should he? He had done nothing wrong, and neither had Kaworu. The worst thing he had done was to be obvious, and secrecy would not be necessary if simple things like a peck on the hand didn’t draw this much ire. Kensuke did not hate Hikari, he was just frustrated. He had only recently gotten over these feelings himself, and now it seemed that he had to go on the defensive every time he wanted to be who he was. God knew what would happen if Hikari found about Mana? About the three of them?  
  
Thinking about Mana made Kensuke feel guilty. Compared to Kaworu and his piloting and Mana and her… whatever was going on with her, Kensuke felt quite petty. A strange insecurity bubbled up within him. Kaworu was funny and insightful and kind, Mana was strong and brave and cheerful in a way that could fight back anything. Kensuke was… Kensuke. It was clear he could not compete.  
  
He did not hear his friend approach him as he sat in the shade, waiting for gym to be over. "You know, you should do a few laps." Touji looked down at him. "Otherwise sensei will be pissed."  
  
Kensuke shrugged. "Sensei has been pissed since an angel stepped on his car. Me doing a few laps won't change anything." And then after a moment, he added, "Did you hear what he said to me and Kaworu?"  
  
Touji sighed as he sat down next to his friend. Their gym teacher had had a few choice words, threatening the two before his class not to even think about doing anything untoward in the lockers or the showers.  
  
"I'm sorry." Touji's normally tough demeanor shifted. "I'm not sure what to say. You're my friend no matter what, you being gay won't change that."  
  
Kensuke looked out onto the field. A small group of runners, Kaworu among them, tried to keep pace with one another in the sunny haze of the afternoon. "Bi actually, but I appreciate the sentiment." Kensuke smiled a bit at the thought. It probably meant little to Touji but it meant a great deal to Mana.  
  
Touji raised an eyebrow.  
  
Kensuke shrugged again. "I like both. I wasn't lying when I gushed over those pictures I took of Soryu that we sold."  
  
That seemed to brighten Touji up. "Gods, we did that, didn't we? That feels like a lifetime ago. Ever since I became a pilot things have gotten..."  
  
Kensuke nodded. He understood Touji's meaning. "I mean, it was never easy. Remember when we were almost killed by that lobster looking angel? Or when they had to shut off the power to power that gun?"  
  
“Or when they dropped that N2 bomb on that starfish thing a while back. There was still danger but... There was a sense of awe and adventure then. It didn’t all seem so gloomy and hopeless,” Touji continued. “Maybe it never was. Maybe we were just too disconnected from all of it to see it. Makes me really feel for Shinji. He has been fighting the longest of us. He didn't deserve what happened to him.”  
  
Kensuke could sense the implication. Shinji did not deserve what happened to him in the last battle, Touji did. Kensuke could feel Touji's anxieties radiate off of him. Despite all the pain and the turmoil, by all accounts Touji had contributed very little in the engagements in which he was present. “You tried to help. That is all anyone can ask of you. More than what anyone could ask of you, really.”  
  
“Yeah.” Touji dismissed him, “I guess.” He rolled his eyes as he filled his words with sarcasm “Maybe the next angel will be defeated by amazing stretching powers. You know, the ones whose only downside is all the agony?”  
  
Kensuke snorted, trying to lighten the mood. “Yeah, you’re a real Stretch Armstrong.”  
  
Touji raised an eyebrow “Who?”  
  
“Reed Richards?” Kensuke tried.  
  
Touji's blank face persisted.  
  
“Monkey D Luffy?” Kensuke asked, thinking perhaps Touji would recognize something closer to home.  
  
Touji just stared at his friend. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  
  
Now Kensuke rolled his eyes. _D_ _oes_ _he_ _never open a comic?_ “They are guys with stretchy powers.”  
  
“Oh,” Touji laughed “You’re such a nerd.” Kensuke shrunk a bit at the comment. Seeing this, Touji shook his head. “Nah, I don't mind. You’re you, Ken, that is all you should ever be.”  
  
Kensuke smiled and continued to watch his boyfriend jog around the track. _The only thing I should ever be, is me._

 

* * *

_  
_ Mana held onto the rail as the water ran down her ragged body. The past few days had been nothing but a cycle of food, sleep, and testing. Shinden, Raiden, Rajin. Over and over and over. It did not matter how much she suffered, or how much she asked to stop. The data was more important. Walk over here, shoot that target, lift this container, it never seemed to end. It was exhausting and painful. Her M200 implant had been reactivated, and that meant that pain and spasms had become constant companions again.   
  
However, at least it was just physical pain. That was something she could deal with. She would never say it out loud, never admit to them how much it affected herm but Mana preferred this to her infiltration training. At least here, after a shower, she could feel clean.  
  
After toweling off and switching into her casual clothes, Mana walked slowly to the quarters she shared with her fellow pilots. Her muscles still ached and her head spun, but the shower had helped quite a bit. What helped more was the memory of her conversation with one of the doctors after the testing today. He had been harsh like always, but at the end added that she better shape up so they would get enough data before she returned to Tokyo-3.   
  
_Before_ _I_ _return to Tokyo-3..._ She repeated the words in her mind. That implied they were going to send her back. When her commander had told her that she was going to return to the base for testing duties this week, she had become terrified that they would cancel her mission and just make her a pilot again. It was not like she had gotten very far in her mission anyway. Shinji Ikari seemed farther away now then ever, guarded by Asuka and Rei.   
  
If she was honest, those two girls scared Mana. They were pilots like her, in a way, but they acted so differently. Asuka was ferocious to anyone not a pilot. If she ever found out about Mana’s mission to get close to Shinji, the prospects for the infiltrator could be dire. Meanwhile, Rei was just… cold. Mana could only imagine the conditions that had lent themselves to her state of being. It was surprising then how close Asuka and Rei seemed to be, given their differences. But ever since the fight with the parasite angel, it seemed like Rei, Asuka and Shinji were inseparable. It was something that made Mana’s job very difficult.  
  
Her mind drifted predictably back to Kaworu and Kensuke. What would they say if they knew about her? About her mission? Mana felt terrible. After all she had done and all she would be forced to do, she did not deserve them.  
  
Mana found her co-pilots Keita and Musashi getting ready for bed as she entered the room they all shared. Musashi was playing solitaire with an old deck on his cot, while Keita lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Both turned to her as she entered the dorm and gave a curt nod.  
  
“You certainly took your time,” Keita said, trying to get comfortable.  
  
“I’m... unused to doing this again. It’s taking a good deal of getting used to.” Mana responded, heading over to her own cot.  
  
“Yeah well, at least this is temporary for you. Soon, you will be back in your cushy new job in Tokyo-3,” Keita whined. “While we are stuck here.” His comment earned a glare from Musashi. Mana was sure he had his own doubts about Mana's mission, but she knew he hated whenever any of them complained.  
  
Mana was too tired and fed up to take the comment lying down, however. “It's not like it’s a vacation. I have to lie and manipulate people I like, I have to pretend to be something I'm not. It's not easy playing the stupid happy girl to everyone all the time.”  
  
Keita sat up and looked at her. “Hell of a lot easier than piloting these things all day. You really lucked out when your body rejected the implants.” A sour expression crossed his face. “A few kisses aren't the end of the world.”  
  
Mana knew Keita was hurt, and that he probably didn't mean it. She knew sometimes he lashed out because he wanted to feel in control of _something_ in his life. She also knew that if she waited a few days he would most likely apologize. She did not care, though. She was sick and tired of pretending this was all okay, she was fed up with being the reasonable sensitive one.  
  
“I never asked for any of this!” she yelled at him. “I didn't ask for the implants not to work. I never asked to be sent to Tokyo-3 and I certainly fucking did not ask for that horrible sick ‘infiltration training’ .If you want someone to yell at, go talk to the Commander! Because I’m done.”  
  
Musashi got up from his bed in a flash, scattering the game cards all over the floor. “That's enough, you two. Back off. Both of you shut up and go to sleep before your yelling brings the Major down on our heads.”  
  
Keita opened his mouth to say something, but chose not to and retreated to his bunk. Mana followed suit to her own cot, throwing the blanket over her head. _Just a few more days, I can last a few more days”_

 

* * *

  
Touji and Hikari strolled down the sidewalk outside of the movie theater slowly, not wanting to rush anything. The only place they wanted to be was with each other. Tentatively, he reached out to hold her hand. The action made her blush, but she did not withdrew the hand.  
  
Things between them had moved very slowly. Ever since that day after his first Eva battle, the two of them had walked a mile of tiny first steps. Touji could not pin down the exact time or date that Hikari's sympathy and concern had grown into something more. She was not a shy girl, but she was quite old fashioned and so had insisted on taking things calmly and slowly. At first that had driven Touji crazy, but now he could almost enjoy it.  
  
There was a simple pleasure to be found in something like this. If he closed his eyes and listened to her voice, he could almost pretend that things were normal. That his sister wasn't sick and the city wasn't under siege from monsters beyond his imaginings. As he gently swung his arm in time to their steps, he smiled, looking at her. It was almost a cliché, a date at the movies. But some things were clichés for a reason. Some things rose above.  
  
“So,” Hikari said, breaking the silence, “what did you think of the movie?”  
  
Touji rolled his eyes a bit. From all the trailers it had seemed like there was going to be more action. Instead, most of the movie had seemed to revolve around relationship drama. Still, it was clear from her gasps of joy during and afterward that Hikari had been enraptured by it. “It was pretty nice. I’m not sure I understood much of what was going on. I guess I’d need to have read the books to get the full experience.”  
  
Hikari beamed. “I loved it. And don't worry, I have all the books if you’re interested. Things kind of fall into a slump in the third one, but they look on track for the fourth one to be great. The author has been putting out previews on his website and...” Hikari stopped when she saw Touji's slightly blank expression. “Sorry, I'm talking too much. I just really like the series.”  
  
Touji waved a hand dismissively. “Ah, don't worry about it. I get that from Kensuke all the time. It doesn't bother me.” Touji noticed that mentioning his friend seemed to sour the girl’s disposition, and so tried to change the subject out of desperation. “You know, it is still pretty early. Is there anything else you want to do before I take you home. I mean, walk you home.” _Nice save idiot._ Touji thought to himself as he watched his girlfriend consider his question.  
  
“Well, I know I shouldn't, but on such a hot day I always crave a scoop of ice cream.” Hikari smiled as Touji nodded and the two went in search of a place.  
  
Eventually, the two found a small parlor a few blocks from the theater. It's faint neon sign in the window declared it to have over twenty flavors available. Inside colorful was framed the almost empty parlor, its sea blue booths all vacant with the only occupant being a very tired looking server who looked only a little older than them who was manning the cash, trying not to collapse from the heat. The two quickly came to their orders: Touji with a chocolate ripple with nuts and Hikari with a strawberry cheesecake. Touji paid the boy and they sat in a booth by the door, trying to stay as close to one of the fans that dotted the place as possible.  
  
They chatted idly for a bit, mostly talking about their classes and the movie. Hikari seemed to understand the way that piloting affected Touji and tried to avoid mentioning it whenever possible. Touji though this a mixed blessing. While on one hand it was good to take a break from the problems that faced him, ignoring them felt wrong, too, somehow, like the great elephant in the room would step on them. Eventually, and somewhat inevitably, the subject found its way to Kensuke and Kaworu.  
  
“I don't understand it at all,” Hikari said, careful not to speak with her mouth full of desert, something Touji struggled with. All in all, dating Hikari seemed to be a crash course in manners. “I mean, it's one thing to do that behind closed doors, but to flaunt it like that in class?” Hikari shook her head in disbelief. “I mean, I know they do things differently over in Germany, I have had enough conversations with Asuka to know that…” The thought made her giggle a bit. “But I had no idea they did _that_.”  
  
Hikari's words made Touji stew a bit as a knot formed in his stomach. _Dammit!_ He was not the person for this. He had barely come to terms with Kensuke and Kaworu's… feelings for each other himself, helped by the fact that one of them was like a brother to him and the other was his fellow pilot. Touji was unsure what to say, but some part of him knew it had to be him. He was the bridge between the two groups. And he knew that if he did nothing, the divide would only grow until he could only have one or the other. “I kinda want to talk to you about that, Hikari.” His expression soured as she looked up at him.  
  
“Oh?” Hikari made a complicated expression. It was a simple one syllable phrase that carried a depth of meaning. It both beckoned Touji to continue and warned him to measure his words carefully.  
  
“I want you to leave them alone.” Touji breathed. “I know you’re not exactly comfortable with all this, but I really want you guys to still be able to get along.” He tried to appeal to her sense of harmony and unity. If nothing else, those things were always important to Hikari.  
  
Hikari scrunched up her nose. “I wouldn't have said anything if they had not done it so publicly. If they have to do… that stuff, at least let them do it away from the rest of us.”  
  
“Oh, come on, Hikari, it wasn't that bad,” Touji protested. “Kaworu barely touched him. You reacted much less harshly when you found Mayumi with that boy under the bleachers.” Touji did not want to start an argument, but he did not want this to fester. “Look, I am not asking you to suddenly change your mind, but can you at least just try to treat them fairly?”  
  
Hikari shifted in her seat uncomfortably. “I suppose so...”, she said weakly, poking her ice cream with her spoon. “I mean...” Hikari seemed to take a step before poking the elephant. “I guess with all that is going on, especially with Nagisa, I can try and look the other way.”  
  
Touji exhaled. Well, that was probably the best that he would get. And far more than what he had hoped for. Scraping some of the peanuts from his bowl, he smiled. “I am sure it will be fine. And besides, with all the crazy stuff going on, I don't think it could get any more complicated.”

Hikari chuckled at that. Then, after a moment, she grabbed a napkin and dabbed the corner of Touji's ice cream stained mouth. “I don't know...” She smiled as she looked at Touji. “I am starting to like complicated.”.

 

* * *

  
Kaworu tried to act and look as detached as always as he walked the aisles of the pet store for the third time already. It wasn’t quite working. The pet store was a small affair, and it was quite plain that he was lost and confused. This was clearly a task where his usual philosophical approach was failing him.  
  
  _L_ _ilim, Adamim… but what is it that_ cats _need?_ Food, of course. Veterinary care… he would have to think about that one. And apparently, also entertainment. _Are cats alone as well? Do they as well need distraction from the loneliness in their hearts?_  
  
...Kaworu felt silly even mentally asking this question about that adorable creature that was waiting for him in his apartment. He idly mused if someone at NERV knew. He wondered if Rei did. There was something about that girl that stood out…  
  
He shook his head. _I should concentrate. Hm… Toys…_  
  
He had sought the help of the staff before, who seemed overjoyed that anyone would still care about such mundane things as pet toys. Tokyo-3’s shrinking population seemed to have hit them hard. But it had soon become clear that they recommended items based on what was most expensive and not necessarily on what was best for the cat. Unfortunately, Kaworu himself also didn’t know what would be best for her.  
  
The door to the shop was opened, and Kaworu heard someone from the staff greeting the new arrival with almost excessive friendliness. Idly curious, he turned to look. To his surprise, Ritsuko Akagi, the head of Section 3 and of Project E, had just entered the store. She seemed to be well known here.  
  
It was an odd sight to see Akagi of all people make small talk with the staff. Kaworu had never seen her like that in NERV. She seemed to be almost a different person in here – much more relaxed. _She allows herself to lower the barrier around her heart a bit_. Then her eyes wandered over the store… and met Kaworu’s. She tensed, immediately and visibly. Under the surprised looks of the staff, she stomped off to the store’s food section.  
  
Kaworu turned around with a sad smile on his face. He had not been here for long, but it was clear the relationship between pilots and staff were at an all time low. He didn’t think the pilots had done anything wrong the week before. They had, after all, simply not done something they didn’t want to do. But Kaworu was in fact saddened by how that incident had soured relations. He had hoped that Akagi would understand the pilots’ concerns, some of whom after all had been mortified by what had been asked of them. It was disappointing to see that things weren’t as easily solved – disappointing to watch the barriers around people’s hearts in action.  
  
He heard muttering from the food section. “Don’t tell me they’ve raised the prices _again…_ ”  
  
Still unable to decide on a toy, and with his mind now occupied by Akagi’s presence in the store, Kaworu walked over to the food section. The scientist spotted him immediately. She got up from a semi-kneeling position looking at food bags and shot a stern glare at him. “Is there something you want, Fifth Child?” Kaworu didn’t know how to respond. He hadn’t expected such hostility. After a while, Akagi added, “What are you doing here, anyway?”  
  
“Looking for necessities for my cat,” Kaworu simply told her.  
  
“ _You_ have a _cat_?” Akagi asked.  
  
Kaworu smiled at her. “A stray kitten I found near my apartment. She seems to have taken a liking to me.” _One of Lilith’s creatures that does…  
  
_ Akagi’s lips twitched. Slightly. “So you have been adopted. Well, cats are noted for being strange creatures.” It sounded rather dismissive. She turned around to the food again.  
  
Kaworu blinked. “I have been adopted?”  
  
Akagi looked at him again. “What? Do you think you are the master in the relationship? You didn’t find a stray dog.”  
  
“You seem… knowledgeable about cats,” Kaworu remarked.  
  
“I have two of them,” Akagi told him. “They’d not nearly be as interesting if they were all obedient and well-behaved.”  
  
Kaworu smiled again. “I must admit, some of her actions have… surprised me already. I thought this to be a consequence of her youth and inexperience…”  
  
Akagi scoffed, though there was some unexpected humour in there. “Believe me. Cats always know what they’re doing. _Always._ Even if they, say, get themselves caught in coat hangars. That’s what they have us humans for, after all.”  
  
“That is something that has happened to your cats?” Kaworu inquired.  
  
Akagi just scoffed again, with less humour this time, and took a food bag. “I need to get this back home. If I don’t get them their precious high quality food, the cats might eat me in my sleep.” She stopped and looked at Kaworu, again with a stern face. “I hope you’ll be at the next synch-tests.”  
  
Kaworu shrugged. “I was planning to. Until then, I hope watching your cats’… antics will give you some enjoyment.”  
  
Kaworu had expected Akagi to go to the register with the food now, but instead she didn’t move and kept looking at Kaworu. Then she sighed and put the food bag back. “So, tell me. What exactly are you looking for here?”  
  
Kaworu looked at her slightly awkwardly. “I think my cat should have a toy, but I don’t know what would be best for her.”  
  
Akagi smirked. “You won't be able to tell before you give it to her. If cats were predictable they would not be cats.”  
  
“That is… inconvenient,” Kaworu stated.  
  
“Let’s take a look at what they have here,” Akagi told him and began moving over to the toy section. “Hm. Haven’t been in this aisle for a while.”  
  
“No?” Kaworu asked.  
  
“There are only so many toys I can store in the apartment for my spoiled beasts,” Akagi told him. “So… you said your cat… it’s a kitten?”  
  
She sounded almost _enthusiastic_ about that question. Kaworu continued to be surprised. He nodded. “A young one, I think. She clearly craves attention, but...”  
  
“I hope she’s getting that from you!” Akagi interrupted him sternly.  
  
Kaworu smiled. “I like playing with her. Hence my being here.”  
  
Akagi nodded, as if approving. “Then let’s see what they have here…”  
  
During the next half hour, Kaworu learned more about cats than he had ever thought was known to the Lilim. Possible illnesses, what they liked, food they couldn’t digest, how much activity they needed, the address of a good veterinary nearby… _Akagi likes cats. She bonds with them. Maybe easier than with fellow Lilim. Is that the secret of her loneliness?_  
  
Meanwhile, Kaworu had to tell her _everything_ about his kitten. It felt to him like he was describing her every little action she had ever taken, and yet Akagi always remained interested. It was a strange sort of talk they had. They chatted freely about cats, but Kaworu realized that should the topic ever shift, that peace would be broken.  
  
Eventually, they both stood at the register, each with items in hand. Akagi sighed. “And _somehow_ I ended up with new toys again. Ah well.” After both had paid and stepped outside, she hesitated. Finally, she said, “You take good care of your cat. Cats are one of the few...” She stopped. “You just take good take of her.” And with that, she walked, no, _stormed_ off.  
  
Kaworu remained behind, looking after her with a confused smile. Clearly, a person showing such care towards living creatures couldn’t be so bad. _Why then this gap between us?_


	7. Chapter 7

_This is set parallel to NME chapters 38 and 39._

 

* * *

 

Sunday saw Kaworu thinking about his conversation with Kaji, their scheduled meeting deep in the city later that night. While this… dalliance with Kensuke and Mana was unplanned, it was well within the leeway SEELE had given him. Speaking with Kaji, on the other hand, spilling secrets entrusted to him for the sake of a friend – that would be a line he could not uncross. He looked down at Kensuke, who was currently leaning against him as they watched one of his shows. It seemed to consist of equal parts mecha combat and singing, something Kaworu found odd but enjoyable. The fact that Kensuke tended to clutch onto Kaworu as they watched did nothing but endear the show in Kaworu's opinion, though, so perhaps he was biased.  
  
It had become a regular routine for them this past week. The habit was… pleasant. This feeling of normalcy that it had brought was enjoyable. And of course, it also brought certain other feelings… Kaworu was unused to being touched in such a manner but delighted in the experience. It made him feel wanted and loved. He was careful, however. If the past week had taught him anything, it was that people were different and things that might not be important to him might be important to others. And so, he tried not to push Kensuke into doing anything the boy possibly did not want.  
  
Kensuke, in turn, acted likewise and the two had settled into a slow progress. Still, it was hard for them to enjoy themselves when they were worried about Mana. Her fate, and what Kaworu was willing to do to save her rolled around in his mind.  
  
As the colorful ending credits played on the television in front of them, Kensuke perked up and saw the frown on his boyfriend’s face. He understood, at least in part, what he was feeling. Mana's disappearance had affected them both. Her absence was… tangible. “You want something to drink?” he asked as he got up and headed toward the kitchen.  
  
Kaworu forced a smile. “That would be wonderful.” He tried to formulate his thoughts as Kensuke poured them both tall glasses of ice tea. When the boy returned and set the glasses down he gave Kaworu a strange look.  
  
“What is it, Kaworu? Are you thinking about Mana?” he asked seriously.  
  
Kaworu sighed. In some ways, having people that could see beyond his warm stoic mask had made things more difficult. “In a way,” he said, looking his love in the eyes. “I spoke with Kaji and asked his assistance.”  
  
Kensuke brightened at the thought. From what little Kensuke had seen of him, Kaji seemed like a cool suave spy dude. If anyone could help them find Mana, he could. “That's good, right?”  
  
Kaworu nodded solemnly. “It is, but... In order to get his help, I will need to do something that may change things for us. Make things more complicated. And before I do, I want to tell you so you are prepared. And if it is too much... You can tell me now.”  
  
Kensuke was about to laugh but stopped when he saw Kaworu was serious, and so instead looked at him, concerned. “What do you mean, Kaworu?”  
  
Kaworu took a deep breath “I am not a normal person, Kensuke.”  
  
At that, Kensuke did laugh. “Of course you’re not, Kaworu, you’re a pilot, and well, I wouldn't exactly call what we and Mana have going normal.” He placed a hand on his boyfriend’s, only for Kaworu to get up and sigh in frustration.  
  
Perhaps the best way would be a small demonstration. Nothing serious, just something to show Kensuke in a way his words never could. “No, Ken,” He let a hand rise, and with it, so did the glasses filled with their drinks, and the remote. Then, the controllers to the video game system scattered on the ground, then the models and books flew off the shelves, and finally, Kaworu himself began to float.  
  
Kensuke looked dumbstruck “What–” He struggled for words a few moments more. “What are you?”  
  
“I am so much more.”  
  
Kaworu gently let the items across the room descend to their former places and then floated down again. He took one of Kensuke's hands and held it lightly. To his shock and amazement, the boy did not pull away, did not flinch or run. “I think you and I need to have a long talk.”  
  
Kaworu did not tell him everything. He did not tell him about what SEELE called his destiny; he did not tell him of his drive to unite with his mother or his origins from Second Impact. But he told him enough. That he was an alien, or at least created from the ancient blood of one. That he had spent his life until he came to Tokyo-3 alone, with nothing but sterile laboratories and the sickening clutches of SEELE to call home. Kensuke asked what Kaworu could do. Kaworu shrugged and explained that there were numerous applications of and effects that resulted from the manipulation of AT fields. One of those obviously was the ability to move and control objects. He told Kensuke that while the people in Germany knew that, those here did not and therefore Kaworu had to keep his powers and his nature a secret.  
  
After Kaworu was done, Kensuke sat silently holding Kaworu's hand for a long time. Internally, Kaworu was afraid. Kiel had always told him that humans feared what they did not understand. That they would hate him and reject him if he were to reveal himself to anyone other than SEELE. Kaworu tried to push his mentor's words out of his mind, but couldn't. Surely, Kensuke would leave him, abandon him to his fate, and–  
  
Kaworu's despair was interrupted by a sound from Kensuke. It started low, barely a whisper, but grew like thunder. Kensuke was laughing, a joyful wonderful laugh that cut through Kiel's words like lightning.  
  
“I always knew you were... odd. But I always chalked it up to you being a pilot. Alien, though?” Kensuke chuckled and squeezed Kaworu's hand tight. “That explains a few things.”  
  
Kaworu was amazed. That was not what he had expected. He expected rejection, fear… pain. To not see those things now, to instead see laughter and acceptance… “You’re... not angry?”  
  
Kensuke shook his head. “Surprised? Yes. Angry? Never. I care about you, Kaworu. This... thing… isn't going to change that. I meant what I said on the roof of the school. I want to try. No matter how hard it gets, no matter what… surprises come our way. Because the truth is, I think I love you.”  
  
Kaworu was taken aback. Those words hit him to his core. Kensuke knew that he was different, he had seen that he was not like him. And yet, the boy still loved him. Kaworu could only repeat what he had heard back to his love, before Kensuke kissed him. It was warm and rich and full of love. Kaworu barely registered Kensuke's hand running through his hair. The boy pulled him closer into an embrace, and soon the two were lying on the couch together, trading kisses and touches. They remainedso for a good while, enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms.  
  
Eventually, Kensuke looked down at his love with an odd expression. “Kaworu?”  
  
Kaworu looked up. “Yes?”  
  
A sly smile crept onto Kensuke's face “You told me about your abilities, but besides that, is your body different from a human's?”  
  
Kaworu was about to explain that his body was nearly identical, save for the S2 engine in his core. But he stopped himself as he caught his boyfriend’s meaning. Returning the coy smile, he asked “I don't know, Kensuke. Why don't we find out?”

 

* * *

  
The sound of the front door opening caused Kaworu and Kensuke to jump up from the couch in a flash. Kensuke swore under his breath as the two scrambled to become as clothed as possible as quickly as possible. _He chooses today of all days to come home early._ Kensuke winced as he pulled up his socks with the fury of a man going into battle. Kaworu sensed his boyfriend's concern and followed his lead.

When he heard his father's call, Kensuke gave a polite response that he was coming down in a minute. Ascertaining with a quick glance that both he and his boyfriend were wearing all the necessary components to be called an outfit, the two made their way down the stairs to the hallway where Kensuke's father stood. Hideo was the very model of a Japanese businessman: A slightly bedraggled man with a gray suit and thinning hair. Hideo glanced at the two coming down the stairs, raising an eyebrow as they exchanged greetings.  
  
He looked at Kaworu and smiled. "You must be the Nagisa boy my son keeps raving about. I’m glad he’s finally met someone. With all his models and anime, I was afraid he was going to be an otaku forever."  
  
Kensuke was red as a tomato "I–" He tried to formulate a response to his father, but eventually gave in and breathed out a yes. _Gods, I suck at this whole secret relationship thing_. “How did you know?”  
  
Hideo raised an eyebrow. “Besides the fact, everything you have said about him to me has been with glowing affection?” He gestured to their outfits. “You’re wearing each other’s shirts.” He smiled coyly. “Unless this is a new fad among kids these days I’m missing,” He added.  
  
Later after some initial awkwardness the three sat around the table and talked, laughing occasionally about the circumstances while their food cooked. Unlike Shinji, who had been forced to learn to cook due to his circumstances, the extent of Kensuke's culinary expertise seemed to be the use of an oven or microwave. They talked about school and dating and old stories of Hideo's glory days.  
  
Hideo laughed as he loosened his tie, leaning back in his chair. "I remember when I was about your age, my father caught me in bed with some girl. His reaction was a mix of pride and fear. Pride for me and fear for himself, because the girl was his boss’s daughter." He chuckled at the thought.  
"So… Are your parents going to come after my boy like that girl’s did me?"  
  
Kaworu thought for a moment and looked a bit sad. "I don't have any parents."  
  
Hideo stopped laughing and nodded knowingly. He shouldn't have been so tasteless. Lots of kids Kaworu's age were orphans due to Second Impact.  
  
"I am sorry about that. I want you to know you are always welcome here." He raised an eyebrow at his son. "Not that you don't know that already, apparently, given that you have been over all week." The three continued to chat, Hideo asking about how Kaworu was enjoying Japan and what were his hobbies. After a while, Hideo stopped laughing, his eyes heavy as he looked at Kaworu. Hideo went quiet for a moment, his face going serious “I heard from Kensuke that you are one of NERV's pilots.”  
  
Kaworu nodded. He was unsure what exactly the public knew of their missions or what the stakes truly were, but he assumed that at the very least the average person would know that the Evangelions were the only real line of defense against the angel attacks.  
  
Hideo Aida pushed out his chair and stood up facing Kaworu. Then in a deliberate fashion bowed deeply.  
  
Kaworu was shocked. He was unused to being thanked in such a manner. The people of NERV had treated piloting as a duty and a job. Not something worth praising, and his classmates? When he had first arrived, Kaworu had had his share of fans, but things had quickly died down around him. Most of his classmates seemed to avoid him these days if anything. The only exceptions were his fellow pilots, Mana and Kensuke for obvious reasons, and Hikari, who seemed to make an effort to reach out to all of the students of the class and was dating a pilot herself.  
  
Kaworu was unsure what the proper response was to such a display. “I... thank you, Mr. Aida. I admit that this new to me.”  
  
“That is a shame. Not enough people in this city show appreciation to you for your efforts to save us from those… things. I remember when a NERV official dropped Kensuke home after he was almost killed by that… crab thing. Kensuke told me that Shinji Ikari stood his ground to defend him and Touji even when his superiors told him to retreat. And then later I remember overhearing…” He turned to his son for a moment “I did not mean to eavesdrop, but the boy was weeping.” He returned his attention to Kaworu. “…what had happened in Suzuhara's first battle, and how… painful it was. For him and the rest of the pilots. I admit I have wanted to thank you and the rest of the pilots for your efforts for some time now. Shinji did save my son, after all. But I was a coward. It is easier, I suppose, for someone like me to try and ignore the monsters and the guns, the battles and the destruction, and most importantly the pilots that put their lives on the line to save us. It is easier to ignore that we put children at risk for the sake of our own safety. Easier than to face the real danger that we all face, but in doing so, you are swept under the rug and ignored. I hope you may forgive me.”  
  
Kaworu felt for the man. He seemed genuinely remorseful both for himself and the people around him. And yet, Kaworu could not let an opportunity such as this pass him by. “Guilt is useless unless it drives one to action. And you Mr. Aida are in a unique position to help.”  
  
Hideo's eyes widened. “Me? What can I offer?”  
  
Kaworu shot Kensuke a look that told him to trust him and then continued. “Information. You possess information that may help a friend of ours that is in trouble. Now, tell me if you would all you can about the M200 neural interface chip.”  
  
Hideo looked confused. “That thing? Why do you need to know about–” He trailed off, deciding it did not matter. “I’m sorry, but I can't tell you much. I’m in the financial division of the company. Truth be told, I don’t know very much about most of the equipment we sell beyond a vague description.”  
  
Kaworu looked sympathetic. “Anything could help. Please. A friend of ours may be in danger.”  
  
Hideo thought for a moment. “They were designed before Second Impact as the first real cybernetics. A chip to connect the brain to machines, both in input and output. That way, those machines or vehicles would feel like an extension of your body. The chip is far from being perfected – it’s our very first foray into cybernetics, you understand? There are side effects, so it wasn’t really used before Second Impact, as there were complications with it, but afterwards…”

He shrugged. “Ethics regulations got much laxer afterwards. Our main customers for that chip are universities, which use it in pure research, and Japan Heavy Chamical Industries’ labs, under Dr Ivan Wick. A few years back, though, the JSSDF ordered a massive batch of them. They told us it was part of a program for disabled veterans. That's all I got. The JSSDF has been extremely secretive these last few years, ever since the business in Nansha.”  
  
A wave of disgust came over Kaworu. “We believe that a device like this has been implanted in a teenage girl.”  
  
Hideo frowned. He remembered how secretive the JSSDF had been to them about the whole deal., always acting suspicious, always hiding things. The idea that they would use it on a teenager as a guinea pig, or worse, as a soldier… he knew better than to assume innocence on their part. “I’ll try to look into this myself, see what I can dig up. But please, if what you’re saying is true, I’d be careful. The JSSDF does not take kindly to people poking around in their business. Especially someone from NERV.”  
  
Kaworu nodded knowingly. “Don't worry. I will take every precaution. But first, I need more information. Something I am sure will come when I speak to my contact tonight.”

 

* * *

  
Kaji walked along the dark winding back streets of Tokyo-3, avoiding the street cameras that dotted the major intersections. The only light to be found came from the warm glow of his cigarette. These grimy alleys were much like his old stomping grounds. Even after all these years, he could still feel his way by instinct alone in such places. If he stopped, he could almost hear the voice of his brother urging him forward. Their gang had fought over every inch of their streets, over every scrap to be found. Kaji knew that when you had nothing, you would fight for anything. He sneered when he saw a half eaten hot dog that someone had discarded. In his time, he would have seen it as manna from heaven.  
  
He thought of Asuka and her friends. Their generation was too young to know well the horrors that had followed Second Impact, the desperation and the tragedy that it had brought. To them, it was simply a fact of life – the sun rose, the tides ebbed, and fifteen years ago, three billion people died. Kaji felt very conflicted about this. On one hand, he wanted to ensure that neither Asuka nor anyone else went through what he did. On the other? Sometimes, Kaji wished that Asuka and the other pilots understood what it was like, if only so that they understood why the people around them were so desperate to prevent another Impact.  
  
He rounded a corner to see his destination ahead of him. It was a small diner whose flickering red neon sign proclaimed it was open twenty-four hours. Inside, he saw the place was mostly empty, save for a man in industrial coveralls downing a plate of potatoes, a bored waitress reading a paper and in the back, in a booth, the boy he had come to meet – Kaworu Nagisa. The boy smiled at Kaji as the investigator sat down opposite of him.  
  
“Are you sure this place is safe?” Kaji asked in a hushed tone.  
  
“Toshiro Suzuhara recommended it to me. He said it is a favorite of both the local police and the Yakuza,and that the wait staff is paid extra to have selective hearing problems. It seems to be a neutral zone.”  
  
Kaji nodded. He was about to ask Kaworu about his connection to SEELE, but their waitress appeared, showing them the menu. After a moment of discussion, the two gave their orders.  
  
Kaji shrugged. “I guess I will have a burger with fries,” he said, unable to focus on the food when the answers he craved were so close. “Oh, and a cup of black coffee,” he added, not knowing how long they would be here.  
  
Kaworu, however, seemed to take his time making up his mind. “I will have a New York strip steak, rare, with two sunny-side up eggs on the side and an iced tea.” He smiled warmly as he gave the menu to the waitress.  
  
After the woman left for the kitchen, Kaji gave the boy a smirk. “Steak and eggs? You’re making my wallet cry.”  
  
Kaworu gave another one of his inscrutable looks. “I assure you, Mr. Kaji, what I am going to tell you is well worth the price of a meal.”  
  
“So,” Kaji said, straightening up. “Where should we begin?”  
  
“I would think at the beginning. But what is it? The founding of SEELE? The man who was the driving force behind it? His reasons – his shame about what his people had done just some years prior, his lost faith in humanity, his desperate hope for salvation?” Kaworu shook his head. “It may be most expedient to keep to practicalities. This man I talk about, Lorenz Kiel, he managed to convince eleven other people of his vision. Together, they are like spiders, spinning a web that reaches the farthest corners of the globe. You will not find their names in any register or census. No company holds their employ or lists them as shareholders, no government recognizes their authority and yet... They surely must count as the twelve most powerful men in the world, and maybe the richest as well.”  
  
Kaji looked interested. Finally, he was getting names! He could barely contain himself as he tried to get Kaworu to continue. "This Kiel… Did you know him? Is he connected to NERV Germany?"  
  
"I do,” Kaworu answered gravely. Talking about SEELE brought back painful memories of sterile laboratories and cold servants. “He was my mentor and teacher for as long as I can remember. And to answer your second question: He is not connected to NERV Germany. He is NERV Germany."  
  
"There is a truth you must face, Inspector Kaji. You were sent by the U.N to inspect NERV, but the truth is that both NERV and the U.N. answer to the same master... SEELE. I hate to be the bearer of this horrible news, but it is the truth. Your job was a show. A farce. No matter what you reported, no matter what you uncovered, NERV would continue on its way unimpeded because NERV is simply the operating arm of SEELE. You have been working for the people you have been searching for all along, Inspector." As he explained this, Kaworu took his knife and fork and cut into one of his eggs, spilling the yellow yolk over his plate.   
  
Much of what Kaworu was saying were things that he had suspected. He had felt the strings of some higher authority in his work in the U.N before. Certain projects seemed to be passed and funded with no opposition, and people who tried to look into their inner workings were either "exposed" as corrupt, kicked downstairs into a job far below their station or seemed to vanish entirely.  
  
"When did these guys take over?" Kaji asked, worried.  
  
"After Second Impact, when the chaos let them do as they pleased,” Kaworu explained. “They grasped that opportunity to place their men in positions of power all over the globe. That was how the U.N. gained the power to seize the nuclear arms of the world, create a standing army and form NERV. In truth, this was all SEELE’s doing."  
  
"Are you saying they took advantage of the Impact?" Kaji inquired further.  
  
"No, Inspector. I am saying they caused Second Impact.”  
  
Kaji went numb. He had had thoughts about Second Impact over the years, suspicions. But to hear it so plainly, so clearly, disarmed him. Kaji hardly felt a thing as the mug of coffee slipped from his fingers and shattered on the tile floor, causing the waitress to yell at the two of them before grabbing a mop. He could hardly hear her. In his mind, Kaji was thirteen again, fighting with his brother on the streets for even a scrap of food. He remembered the day that they took him; he remembered when he found his brother’s body, shot and left to rot in a ditch like an animal. The numbness Kaji felt was passing, now replaced with something far more volatile. _They did this._ The hell that had forged Kaji, the hunger and the gangs and the violence. It was not a tragedy. The event that had thrown the world into chaos and death was not an accident. It was murder.  
  
Kaji sat in silence for a long while, simply watching the Nagisa boy eagerly devour his meal. _This changes things,_ Kaji decided. For his whole life since that moment, Kaji had blamed himself for what had happened. He had believed the wrong brother had died. But now? Kaji realized that neither his brother nor himself would ever have been in that situation if not for SEELE. A terrible weight seemed to have been lifted off Kaji's shoulders, only to be replaced by a rage. How many countless others were like him? Chaff to be thrown away. Eventually, a singular question came to his lips. "Why?" And then, after a moment of thought, "What do they want?"  
  
Kaworu looked solemn. "What does a man who throws himself in front of a train want?" His eyes went cold. “Oblivion."  
  
Kaji was gobsmacked. "What? Are they some kind of death cult?"  
  
Kaworu shook his head. "It is more complicated than that. SEELE thinks humanity an aberration, something that should never have arisen on this planet. They think humanity, as a whole, flawed and weak, a pathetic existence born of a random chance that should never have happened. Humans suffer because they should never have come into existence, or so they claim. To them, eradicating this flaw on the world, leaving the world to the angels, is an almost divine mandate. A new holy order that will wash away humanity’s sins.”  
  
Kaji was horrified. A deep feeling of dread came over him. _These are the people running the world. These are the people I am working for!_ His appetite gone, Kaji just took out a cigarette from his jacket pocket and lit it, dragging in deeply. Kaworu, on the other hand, looked almost cheerful as he reached over and pointed to the Inspector's fries.  
  
"You're not eating these, are you?"  
  
Kaji shook his head and gave the boy access to his meal. He gave Kaworu an odd look. For the first time since he had first meet him, the boy he seemed... normal. Kaji felt a little ashamed of himself then, playing spy games with someone half his age. He only hoped that he was not putting the pilot in too much trouble. Still, he was not going to let this unprecedented access to secret information slip by him. “What else can you tell me?”  
  
Kaworu shook his head gravely. “I do need to keep some things to myself, at least for now, if only so you have a reason to help me.”  
  
Kaji shook his head “It's not like that. I just—”  
  
Kaworu waved a hand. “It is alright, Inspector. I never expected your assistance to come purely from the goodness of your heart.”  
  
The worst thing was, Kaworu was right. As bad as what the JSSDF seemed to be doing was, Kaji would not have taken an active look if not spurred by Kaworu."I managed to find some records of a girl named Mana Kirishima living in Kitakyushu until some months ago, when she moved to Tokyo-3. Unfortunately, upon further investigation, it seems these files are faked, put in place retroactively – and that only very recently as well."  
  
Kaji scratched his stubble. "I tried to look into that chip thing you mentioned and... well, I’m glad you are sitting down.” He clearred his throat. "This thing was breaking new ground, but it was not the only one of its kind. There were other programs around the world developing similar systems. Most, however, never got off before Second Impact."  
  
Kaworu raised an eyebrow. "Why?"  
  
Kaji was unsure how to break this, but the kid deserved the truth, especially after how much he had opened up about SEELE. "I don't know about the chip you were talking about, specifically. That info is pretty deep stuff; might have to make an official request for information. But the others, the canceled projects? They went bad. Really bad. Nerve damage was the most common. The systems were often rejected by the body of the subject. Sometimes violently. There were cases of paralysis, loss of motor function, brain damage and sometimes even death."  
  
Kaworu was unsure how to take this news. At the very least, Mana seemed not to exhibit the symptoms that Kaji described, but that only pushed Kaworu to do something about it now before the damage was done. Looking at his watch Kaji swore and explained they had to go. No doubt Section 2 monitored the pilots movements, which forcing the two conspirators to brief encounters. Kaji took the papers and the two went their separate ways after Kaworu finished his meal. Kaji apologized for not being able to drive him home, but he did not want too many street photos of the two together.  
  
Before they split, Kaworu made a final note to thank Kaji for representing the pilots against Command. He was unsure how the next meeting would go, but he hoped that both sides could find some common ground.  
  
Kaji walked along the dark streets with an uncertainty not present on the way to the diner. His eyes had been opened, and with it came a new sense of danger. Every corner seemed to hold a would-be assassin; every car on the road a SEELE informant. He tried to take out a smoke but found he was out. _Christ,_ he thought, _I’m getting paranoid._ But then, was it really paranoia if the world really was out to get you?


End file.
